After Christmas we flew back to Bob's apartment in Kansas with the future looking so exciting. We would drive to Wisconsin so Bob could finally meet my family and from there it was on to Colorado to find a new city to live. After seeing his daughter before we left the other mission he was on was to retrieve my engagement ring which I didn't know that he had given to his cousin to safeguard for him. I guess deep down in his soul, he had known that we would be together some day and he didn't want it around or he may have sold it. I was deeply moved by that.
We weren't sure where we would end up we just thought maybe a quiet ski town would suit us just fine.
Kansas in January was surprisingly free from snow, but it was cold out. We decided to go to the local mall and hang out, there wasn't really much to do there in Topeka. We were literally two of five people at the Macy's store that night. The place was eerily empty.
We wandered around and bought Bob a new jacket because he was really freezing without a warm coat. After we grabbed a bit to eat at the food court we decided it was time to go back to his apartment and get ready to leave on our road trip.
We walked outside to where we thought we parked his "Jeep", it wasn't there. Now Bob did have short term memory issues and I wasn't paying attention to where we parked. We could not find the car. How could you not see a bright orange Jeep in an almost empty parking lot. It was surreal. The car vanished.
Here we were in the middle of nowhere and his car got "jacked" unbelievable. We called the police and alerted the security from the mall, The car was gone without a trace. Until today there has never been any information on that car.
We later found out from the police that there was a very active car jacking ring in the area and the take them and send them off to a chop shop before you can bat an eye.
Knock on wood, I have lived in Los Angeles and have had radios stolen but that's it. Imagine being out in the "Heartland" and this happens.
We both looked at it as a sign that we were not supposed to drive to Colorado or live there as a matter of fact. So the old saying goes "We make plans and God laughs". We had to come up with a plan B. We still went to have Bob meet my family but we flew instead. We arranged for all Bob's things to be shipped to my apartment and we mad plans to leave Kansas for good. I had called my oldest brother and he told me that we could stay at his house. We flew into Milwaukee and he picked us up. His three kids no longer lived at home and they had plenty of room. Or so I thought.
When he picked us up at the airport everyone was really happy to see me and meet Bob, or so I thought. My brother took us from the airport to my mother's one bedroom apartment. I thought he was taking us there so she could meet Bob. I was wrong. When he arrived he took the luggage out of the trunk and brought it into her apartment. He never explained why he changed his mind about us staying there. Not one word was said about it. I think it was because Bob was a Jew.
The only reason we even were invited to his house during our stay there was so that I could give his wife a perm. They didn't invite us for dinner or anything. I will never forget the rudeness of that.
My other brother Richard on the other hand, opened his home to us so graciously. He loaned us a car, and had us come over for a really special dinner which he went out of his way to make Bob feel at home. It was so funny because Bob's father was from Poland and there is a really large Polish population in Milwaukee, where I'm from and he had prepared some special Polish Sausage for us. Bob had never tasted Polish sausage before in his life. It was so funny but Bob never told that to Richard or his wife until after dinner. Actually it was really good.
The kindness that Richard and his wife showed us during our stay bonded them together for life. They remained close from that day forward. Bob did not get to meet my third brother, they were living out of town someplace else at that time.
While we were there we ended up having a really nice time with my Mom. She was getting pretty forgetful and would call Bob
Ernie, his real name is Bernard anyway she really liked him a lot. He had that effect on everyone.
We were really keeping up our AA meetings and everything. I will never forget going to one down by the LakeFront. I never knew there was AA so active and alive in my home town. I shouldn't have been surprised, after all the local pastime is drinking. There is a beer bar on every corner. It's one of the reasons that in the beginning Bob's telling me he was an Alcoholic didn't scare me. Hell everyone in that town seemed like they were one once I started going out as a teenager. We had beer bars we could drink in at 18 back then. It didn't seem unusual.
I just happened to be blessed, even when I was sneaking into the bars before I was 18, I was only there to dance and drink Cokes. That was my passion, still is as a matter of fact.
After Five days we headed back to my apartment in L.A. Now Bob no longer had a car to his name, but we knew we would manage, we always did land on our feet when we had to. We just shared my car, it wasn't even a problem. I had quit my job, thinking that I was moving away, so we were pretty much on the same schedule. Bob started taking acting classes at the Lee Strasbourg Institute and I started doing my clients that were left back home as they had been doing before I left. There wasn't any glitches everything was running smooth or so it seemed.
I was still hanging out with all my former AA friends who had really been there for me during all the chaos. It was a good environment for Bob also, all my friends were sober in the program. No temptation. He immediately started being the secretary of a small meeting right across the street from our apartment so he wasn't really stranded too much without a car if I had someplace to go, he could just walk.
One night I went out to dinner with one of my female friends from the program and things seemed really strained between us that night. I couldn't figure out why she was so distant and acting weird. I finally got it. She was really happy for me when my life was falling apart and I was miserable. Now that I was happy, she wasn't happy for me. It was like a light going off in my head, I just got it. So I told her what I was feeling. She actually didn't deny it, and I never hung out with her again.
It's funny but some people only like you when your down lower than they are. I learned that the hard way. All in all it didn't matter to me, I didn't care what anyone thought about me getting married to Bob. It didn't matter that we had just been through five years in and out of rehabs and hell. I loved him, he loved me, and we made a commitment to make it work.
I knew we would have bumps in the road but who doesn't. Our love had passed the test of time, now all we needed was to clock the days, months and hopefully years of sobriety, together.
January 04, 2007
January 03, 2007
Back to LA
The days in Aspen went by all to quickly and before we knew it, I was on a plane back to Los Angeles and he was on one back to Kansas.
Bob had made several commitments to his Legal Aid people and the play was still running. He would finish out his commitments, and be home for Christmas.
His Doctor was freaking out. What had we done he kept asking Bob. It was bad enough that he went and got married at only four months of sobriety, but moving back to L.A. was as good as sealing his death warrant, he said.
Bob never was one to listen to his doctors advice and maybe the best thing that happened to Bob was his doctor's doom and gloom speech he gave him. It was a challenge for Bob. He just loved proving the "shrinks" wrong. Years before a psychiatrist had told him he would never get sober. Bob was determined to proved him wrong. Several years later we ran into this man at the market, I just loved the look of "You don't know Me you were wrong" on Bob's face when he spoke to him proud to have proved him wrong.
Bob was coming home for the holidays and we had made a commitment that we would leave Los Angeles and move to Colorado someplace. We did not want to find out if the doctor's prediction would come true. As long as we were together we knew we would be happy. I waited with baited breath for his return. He was also so excited he had not seen his daughter since the summer. She missed him too.
Before Bob returned his Dad and Brother took me out for a wonderful dinner at a really amazing new restaurant in town. The chef was Wolfgang Puck, before he owned his own restaurants. They could not have been more wonderful. I felt really lucky to be a part of his family. My spirits were high and I felt blessed. Years later his brother told me that no one ever really thought that we would last as many years as we did. What were the odds of two people meeting in a bar while Bob's full blown Alcoholism was rearing it's ugly head. There was no rhyme nor reason to love and destiny I guess.
It was the longest month I had had in a long time, but the day finally arrived and Bob was home. It definitely was our "HoneyMoon" period. Everything was great.
After Christmas I quit my job at the salon I was working at, we made plans to go back to Kansas pack up his place hop in the car and drive to Wisconsin to introduce Bob to my family and then go on to Colorado and find a new place to live.
We were very excited about our future. The only thing was that Bob was very sad that he would be moving so far away from his daughter, but it was better for her that he was sane and sober and living someplace safe so he could be the father he wanted to be to her.
Bob had made several commitments to his Legal Aid people and the play was still running. He would finish out his commitments, and be home for Christmas.
His Doctor was freaking out. What had we done he kept asking Bob. It was bad enough that he went and got married at only four months of sobriety, but moving back to L.A. was as good as sealing his death warrant, he said.
Bob never was one to listen to his doctors advice and maybe the best thing that happened to Bob was his doctor's doom and gloom speech he gave him. It was a challenge for Bob. He just loved proving the "shrinks" wrong. Years before a psychiatrist had told him he would never get sober. Bob was determined to proved him wrong. Several years later we ran into this man at the market, I just loved the look of "You don't know Me you were wrong" on Bob's face when he spoke to him proud to have proved him wrong.
Bob was coming home for the holidays and we had made a commitment that we would leave Los Angeles and move to Colorado someplace. We did not want to find out if the doctor's prediction would come true. As long as we were together we knew we would be happy. I waited with baited breath for his return. He was also so excited he had not seen his daughter since the summer. She missed him too.
Before Bob returned his Dad and Brother took me out for a wonderful dinner at a really amazing new restaurant in town. The chef was Wolfgang Puck, before he owned his own restaurants. They could not have been more wonderful. I felt really lucky to be a part of his family. My spirits were high and I felt blessed. Years later his brother told me that no one ever really thought that we would last as many years as we did. What were the odds of two people meeting in a bar while Bob's full blown Alcoholism was rearing it's ugly head. There was no rhyme nor reason to love and destiny I guess.
It was the longest month I had had in a long time, but the day finally arrived and Bob was home. It definitely was our "HoneyMoon" period. Everything was great.
After Christmas I quit my job at the salon I was working at, we made plans to go back to Kansas pack up his place hop in the car and drive to Wisconsin to introduce Bob to my family and then go on to Colorado and find a new place to live.
We were very excited about our future. The only thing was that Bob was very sad that he would be moving so far away from his daughter, but it was better for her that he was sane and sober and living someplace safe so he could be the father he wanted to be to her.
"Splender In the Grass"
The movie we watched that night was "Slender in the Grass" with Natalie Wood and Warren Beaty. A classic. As the movie got close to the end I swear it was like a lightning bolt came down crashing on my head.
There's a scene in the movie where Natalie Wood's character gets out of a mental hospital and goes to see the "Love of her Life".
She tracked down Warren Beaty's character only to find that once handsome love of her life, married to a now very pregnant woman and he walked into the house filthy from working in the field of his farm.
She looked at him and knew she would never be with him again. It was like someone was talking directly to me. I knew that if I left Bob in Kansas, I would never be with him again. His doctors told him he could never go back there if he wanted to live.
I did the only thing I could think of, I asked Bob if he wanted to get "MARRIED". He was stunned. He asked me if I was serious and who could blame him. I told him that I was never more serious. He told me that he loved me and it would be his honor.
We went to sleep that night and Bob woke me up really early the next morning. The first thing he did was ask me if I had changed my mind yet. He was adorable. He had grown accustomed to me rejecting his marriage proposals and he just wanted to be sure. I told him that I had not changed my mind, I wanted to marry him.
He got the yellow pages out and we tracked down a "Justice of the Peace" in Olatha Kansas that would marry us without the three day waiting period or blood tests. We got dressed, had breakfast, went and bought two gold wedding bands and found a cab to the court house. Judge Walton married us and his secretary was our only witness.
I got married in a purple fringe jacket and purple cords. It was the happiest day of my life. We went back to our hotel and called our families. Now in our excitement we never thought for one moment that our families probably thought we were both crazy. They all were so gracious. After all we had known each other for over five years it certainly wasn't two strangers eloping. The only person who openly told us the truth was his doctor. He was appalled. It was his plan that Bob never go back to L.A. and he didn't even know I was coming to visit, let alone marry Bob.
We had a remarkable dinner at the Hotel restaurant. I will never forget it. "The Peppercorn Duck Club" was the name of it.
We dined on Chateaubriand and for dessert there was this amazing chocolate bar. Ice cream with all the toppings that you could imagine. It was romantic. Just the two of us madly in love without a care in the world or a plan for that matter.
The following morning Bob decided we needed to go on a Honeymoon. I only had three days left before I had to go back to Los Angeles. We flew to Aspen Colorado. I had never been there. It was a winter wonderland. We spent our honeymoon there and celebrated Thanksgiving at the same time.
No two people have ever felt more grateful to be together. Bob told me a story of a nun who had given him a copy of the book of "Job" to read. The story had quite an impact on his life. It was that book that made the biggest difference in our lives. He told me the story of Job and that he prayed everyday to just please help him stay sober and he prayed that someday he would have a second chance at a family. Perhaps a son to take to the ball games with. The hospital had taken him to games while he was there and it had impacted him so greatly it was all he prayed for. Sobriety for a second chance at a sober new family life. He could never mend his first marriage and he just adored his daughter, but the damage had already been done. She was pretty much "Lost" to him in the sense that a weekend father would never fill the hole in his gut.
I had watched him for years cry rivers of tears over the loss of being a full time father. He desperately wanted a second change. God was going to answer his prayers. He had just answered the first one. He had been convinced that I was no longer an option. He had to move on and get over me. I had tried the same thing. It's funny how destiny took charge.
We were destined to be together. There was no question about that. Most people could have never survived our first five years together and still even talk to one another. This man was my soul mate there wasn't anything that would tear us apart.
Bound by love and destiny. An epic love story unfolding before our very eyes. We just climbed on board and let the gods above show us our future one day at a time.
The Beautiful tortured soul that I had grown to love so completely was healing from the inside out. I thanked my god in heaven that he had given me the ability to see the beautiful soul that was inside this man. I had never known anyone as smart, kind and simply mesmerizing as he was. I had also never known anyone so completely out of control and on a crash course to hell as he had been.
Hopefully that part of our lives was behind us now. It was not a choice, I told Bob I was only staying married to him thru sobriety only. I could never repeat any of the past out of control years. I was in it only thru sobriety. It was enough for him a bargain was struck between us. We both put the past behind us and enthusiastically embraced our new marriage and his sobriety.
There's a scene in the movie where Natalie Wood's character gets out of a mental hospital and goes to see the "Love of her Life".
She tracked down Warren Beaty's character only to find that once handsome love of her life, married to a now very pregnant woman and he walked into the house filthy from working in the field of his farm.
She looked at him and knew she would never be with him again. It was like someone was talking directly to me. I knew that if I left Bob in Kansas, I would never be with him again. His doctors told him he could never go back there if he wanted to live.
I did the only thing I could think of, I asked Bob if he wanted to get "MARRIED". He was stunned. He asked me if I was serious and who could blame him. I told him that I was never more serious. He told me that he loved me and it would be his honor.
We went to sleep that night and Bob woke me up really early the next morning. The first thing he did was ask me if I had changed my mind yet. He was adorable. He had grown accustomed to me rejecting his marriage proposals and he just wanted to be sure. I told him that I had not changed my mind, I wanted to marry him.
He got the yellow pages out and we tracked down a "Justice of the Peace" in Olatha Kansas that would marry us without the three day waiting period or blood tests. We got dressed, had breakfast, went and bought two gold wedding bands and found a cab to the court house. Judge Walton married us and his secretary was our only witness.
I got married in a purple fringe jacket and purple cords. It was the happiest day of my life. We went back to our hotel and called our families. Now in our excitement we never thought for one moment that our families probably thought we were both crazy. They all were so gracious. After all we had known each other for over five years it certainly wasn't two strangers eloping. The only person who openly told us the truth was his doctor. He was appalled. It was his plan that Bob never go back to L.A. and he didn't even know I was coming to visit, let alone marry Bob.
We had a remarkable dinner at the Hotel restaurant. I will never forget it. "The Peppercorn Duck Club" was the name of it.
We dined on Chateaubriand and for dessert there was this amazing chocolate bar. Ice cream with all the toppings that you could imagine. It was romantic. Just the two of us madly in love without a care in the world or a plan for that matter.
The following morning Bob decided we needed to go on a Honeymoon. I only had three days left before I had to go back to Los Angeles. We flew to Aspen Colorado. I had never been there. It was a winter wonderland. We spent our honeymoon there and celebrated Thanksgiving at the same time.
No two people have ever felt more grateful to be together. Bob told me a story of a nun who had given him a copy of the book of "Job" to read. The story had quite an impact on his life. It was that book that made the biggest difference in our lives. He told me the story of Job and that he prayed everyday to just please help him stay sober and he prayed that someday he would have a second chance at a family. Perhaps a son to take to the ball games with. The hospital had taken him to games while he was there and it had impacted him so greatly it was all he prayed for. Sobriety for a second chance at a sober new family life. He could never mend his first marriage and he just adored his daughter, but the damage had already been done. She was pretty much "Lost" to him in the sense that a weekend father would never fill the hole in his gut.
I had watched him for years cry rivers of tears over the loss of being a full time father. He desperately wanted a second change. God was going to answer his prayers. He had just answered the first one. He had been convinced that I was no longer an option. He had to move on and get over me. I had tried the same thing. It's funny how destiny took charge.
We were destined to be together. There was no question about that. Most people could have never survived our first five years together and still even talk to one another. This man was my soul mate there wasn't anything that would tear us apart.
Bound by love and destiny. An epic love story unfolding before our very eyes. We just climbed on board and let the gods above show us our future one day at a time.
The Beautiful tortured soul that I had grown to love so completely was healing from the inside out. I thanked my god in heaven that he had given me the ability to see the beautiful soul that was inside this man. I had never known anyone as smart, kind and simply mesmerizing as he was. I had also never known anyone so completely out of control and on a crash course to hell as he had been.
Hopefully that part of our lives was behind us now. It was not a choice, I told Bob I was only staying married to him thru sobriety only. I could never repeat any of the past out of control years. I was in it only thru sobriety. It was enough for him a bargain was struck between us. We both put the past behind us and enthusiastically embraced our new marriage and his sobriety.
Rebuilding
I spoke to Bob everyday after that miraculous phone call. It was the end of October and I had been planning a trip to Mexico with a mutual friend of ours from AA. Her father was producing a movie in Mexico and I had my tickets purchased to go with her there during the Thanksgiving Holiday.
The more I spoke with Bob, the more I missed him. I decided that Mexico could wait. I already had the time off from work and an airline ticket. I changed my plans. I flew to Kansas to see him.
I had an agenda. I was either going to never see him again or I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Depending on that little voice in my head and the feeling in my gut.
The day I arrived in Kansas was a day I will never forget. I got off the plane and walked into this small terminal and there was the most handsome face I had ever seen. The face of the man I adored. I ran to him. It really was a scene out of a movie.
There we were, movie star gorgeous, the both of us looking so L.A. for being out in Kansas. People were starring at us and we didn't see them. It was quite a re-union. The last time I saw him I was giving him back his diamond engagement ring he had given me and he was in terrible shape that day. I thought I would never see him again that day and here he was.
I had a purple fringed jacket on and he had a plaid shirt on. He didn't even have a leather jacket left to his name. There was something really different about him a serenity that I had never seen in him before. He was calm, quiet and at peace in his own skin. I don't know any other way to describe him. I liked the new improved Bob. I hadn't felt safe or calm in his presence for many years. I was always walking on egg shells around him. Even when he was "Dry" he was never "Sober". I didn't know him sober it was like someone else had invaded his body. I liked this feeling of security. I was home. I was where I was meant to be. I saw all my hopes and dreams in his eyes. My agenda was confirmed. I was not going to let him go again.
We got my luggage and drove to his apartment. On the way there he told me about the court case he had gone thru. The judge was so impressed with his progress he suspended his sentence. Bob was a free man. He had been doing some "Pro- Bono" work for the Legal Aid offices during the day and at night he was the "Prop Master" at a local Play House. He was going to noon meetings and keeping in contact with his doctor. I had not seen a productive Bob the entire five years before this. To say I was impressed was an understatement.
Bob decided to take me to Kansas City for the weekend. There was a Hyatt Hotel that had collapsed several years back and now it was rebuilt and the rooms were beyond cheap. They couldn't give them away. So for $35 a night we got a great room. We hopped on a Grey Hound Bus the next morning and headed for Kansas City. Neither of us had ever been there before so we were excited.
We walked around town, had a great Italian Dinner, went out to a night club, which did make me uncomfortable, but I didn't tell him and I was glad I didn't because we ended up having an amazing night.
He told me that the Hospital Doctor told him if he went back to Los Angeles to live he would more than likely relapse and die. They had diagnosed him with the beginning of "Wet Brain" He had done so much heavy drinking he had caused severe damage to his brain. The other part of his brain would compensate for the damaged part but it would never regenerate. Bob was 33 years old and he had caused major damage to himself.
"Wet Brain" is the condition that many skid row drunks have. You see them walking funny and talking to themselves not to mention severe memory loss. Something that would affect him the rest of his life. This condition was one of the conditions which helped to put a damper on his relationship with his daughter. She always thought he didn't pay any attention to her when she talked to him, the truth was he had a really severe case of short term memory loss. A condition we confirmed by a specialist in Beverly Hills when he started getting bad headaches years later.
He was determined to keep this condition from his daughter and his family. They never really discussed it. Many years later I told his daughter about his condition trying to let her know it wasn't her, he just couldn't help it. It was a permanent condition caused by abuse.
I fell in love all over again that night. The time we spent together just flew by. I didn't want it to ever end. I was HAPPY something I hadn't been for a long time.
For many years Bob had asked me to marry him, and my answer was always the same. "SOMEDAY" it was all I could ever say. I was never in the frame of mind to accept his proposal so he just stopped asking me. Even thou we had been engaged, it was more of a commitment to not see other people than to get married. He was never in the condition to get married and I wasn't that crazy to marry someone who could be such a Jeykle and Hyde personality at any given moment.
All I wanted to do was just enjoy our brief time together and not worry about anything. That was until we went up to our room and watched the Movie that forever changed our lives.
The more I spoke with Bob, the more I missed him. I decided that Mexico could wait. I already had the time off from work and an airline ticket. I changed my plans. I flew to Kansas to see him.
I had an agenda. I was either going to never see him again or I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Depending on that little voice in my head and the feeling in my gut.
The day I arrived in Kansas was a day I will never forget. I got off the plane and walked into this small terminal and there was the most handsome face I had ever seen. The face of the man I adored. I ran to him. It really was a scene out of a movie.
There we were, movie star gorgeous, the both of us looking so L.A. for being out in Kansas. People were starring at us and we didn't see them. It was quite a re-union. The last time I saw him I was giving him back his diamond engagement ring he had given me and he was in terrible shape that day. I thought I would never see him again that day and here he was.
I had a purple fringed jacket on and he had a plaid shirt on. He didn't even have a leather jacket left to his name. There was something really different about him a serenity that I had never seen in him before. He was calm, quiet and at peace in his own skin. I don't know any other way to describe him. I liked the new improved Bob. I hadn't felt safe or calm in his presence for many years. I was always walking on egg shells around him. Even when he was "Dry" he was never "Sober". I didn't know him sober it was like someone else had invaded his body. I liked this feeling of security. I was home. I was where I was meant to be. I saw all my hopes and dreams in his eyes. My agenda was confirmed. I was not going to let him go again.
We got my luggage and drove to his apartment. On the way there he told me about the court case he had gone thru. The judge was so impressed with his progress he suspended his sentence. Bob was a free man. He had been doing some "Pro- Bono" work for the Legal Aid offices during the day and at night he was the "Prop Master" at a local Play House. He was going to noon meetings and keeping in contact with his doctor. I had not seen a productive Bob the entire five years before this. To say I was impressed was an understatement.
Bob decided to take me to Kansas City for the weekend. There was a Hyatt Hotel that had collapsed several years back and now it was rebuilt and the rooms were beyond cheap. They couldn't give them away. So for $35 a night we got a great room. We hopped on a Grey Hound Bus the next morning and headed for Kansas City. Neither of us had ever been there before so we were excited.
We walked around town, had a great Italian Dinner, went out to a night club, which did make me uncomfortable, but I didn't tell him and I was glad I didn't because we ended up having an amazing night.
He told me that the Hospital Doctor told him if he went back to Los Angeles to live he would more than likely relapse and die. They had diagnosed him with the beginning of "Wet Brain" He had done so much heavy drinking he had caused severe damage to his brain. The other part of his brain would compensate for the damaged part but it would never regenerate. Bob was 33 years old and he had caused major damage to himself.
"Wet Brain" is the condition that many skid row drunks have. You see them walking funny and talking to themselves not to mention severe memory loss. Something that would affect him the rest of his life. This condition was one of the conditions which helped to put a damper on his relationship with his daughter. She always thought he didn't pay any attention to her when she talked to him, the truth was he had a really severe case of short term memory loss. A condition we confirmed by a specialist in Beverly Hills when he started getting bad headaches years later.
He was determined to keep this condition from his daughter and his family. They never really discussed it. Many years later I told his daughter about his condition trying to let her know it wasn't her, he just couldn't help it. It was a permanent condition caused by abuse.
I fell in love all over again that night. The time we spent together just flew by. I didn't want it to ever end. I was HAPPY something I hadn't been for a long time.
For many years Bob had asked me to marry him, and my answer was always the same. "SOMEDAY" it was all I could ever say. I was never in the frame of mind to accept his proposal so he just stopped asking me. Even thou we had been engaged, it was more of a commitment to not see other people than to get married. He was never in the condition to get married and I wasn't that crazy to marry someone who could be such a Jeykle and Hyde personality at any given moment.
All I wanted to do was just enjoy our brief time together and not worry about anything. That was until we went up to our room and watched the Movie that forever changed our lives.
The months go by
Bob got to Hazleton in August and I rarely heard from him during his stay there. When he arrived he was "Engaged" to a former call girl or whatever she was. They obviously were never serious especially after they took the trip to Tahiti and things went from bad to worse for Bob's health when she was sneaking vodka into his hospital room.
I'm sure the doctors had Bob trying to sort out all the chaos he had created from his last slip. I do know that he had counted on her to help get all his things out of the house he rented in Studio City after he had trashed it. Of course the one thing you can always count on with the element that he had been associating with is that they could not be trusted. So one day I did get a call from him asking if I could please contact this woman and see if I could get his paintings back from her. She had shipped him his clothes minus all his valuable leather jackets and of course the artwork was also not included. When I finally did reach her she was arrogant and flippant. She told me to mind my own business and not bother her again. Bob's first wife also had spoken to her and tried to reason with her to just give back the paintings. She was not successful either. So that was a lesson he had learned.
It was part of the consequences of his drinking and using. He tended to loose everything he owed of any value but this time he was lucky that he got out with his life, thats how far gone he was when he got there.
So the months seemed to fly by and his birthday, October 27th, came and went. I tried to call him at the hospital to wish him a happy birthday and they told me he had been released. I felt a knife stab deep in my gut. I tried calling information and there was no listing for him. I felt a deep loss and was convinced that I would probably never hear from him again. The last time I spoke to him he asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told him that I was. Actually I was just dating, but I did not want to open a door to enable him again so I was very sure to let him know that things were not the same between us after all he did get "engaged" to someone else during the previous months and I felt it was best to let things remain as they were.
I was just trying to be strong to not cave in, I had to let him go. When we got off the phone I just broke down and sobbed. It didn't matter that I was sitting at my desk at work. I was so heart broken but it was important to be strong, for the both of us if we were ever going to get well. Either one of us. We had to learn how to not be in love or together.
A funny thing happens when you put that much thought and energy into someone you care about, they contact you or you just "Happen" to run into them someplace. And sure enough one morning around 7:30 the phone rang, it was Bob. I couldn't believe it. All I could say to him was how happy I was to hear from him. I told him I had been trying to call him on his birthday and could not find him. I felt so relieved just to hear his voice. A sense of wholeness engulfed my entire body. The missing link to my happiness was in place. I just threw caution to the wind. No more being strong or tough. I just had to be honest. There were no games going to be played this time. I loved this man and he needed to know that there was one person besides his dad that could love him and forgive him unconditionally.
He had been sober for four months this time. One of the longest stretches of sobriety he had reached in severall years. I was overcome with a renewed sense of hope. Genuine hope. Bob had bottomed out. He had lost everthing, including his digity when he was living in the desert. He was sincere about rebuilding his life. I heard it in his voice, I felt it in my body. It was different this time.
So started the beginning of the rest of my life.
I'm sure the doctors had Bob trying to sort out all the chaos he had created from his last slip. I do know that he had counted on her to help get all his things out of the house he rented in Studio City after he had trashed it. Of course the one thing you can always count on with the element that he had been associating with is that they could not be trusted. So one day I did get a call from him asking if I could please contact this woman and see if I could get his paintings back from her. She had shipped him his clothes minus all his valuable leather jackets and of course the artwork was also not included. When I finally did reach her she was arrogant and flippant. She told me to mind my own business and not bother her again. Bob's first wife also had spoken to her and tried to reason with her to just give back the paintings. She was not successful either. So that was a lesson he had learned.
It was part of the consequences of his drinking and using. He tended to loose everything he owed of any value but this time he was lucky that he got out with his life, thats how far gone he was when he got there.
So the months seemed to fly by and his birthday, October 27th, came and went. I tried to call him at the hospital to wish him a happy birthday and they told me he had been released. I felt a knife stab deep in my gut. I tried calling information and there was no listing for him. I felt a deep loss and was convinced that I would probably never hear from him again. The last time I spoke to him he asked me if I was seeing anyone and I told him that I was. Actually I was just dating, but I did not want to open a door to enable him again so I was very sure to let him know that things were not the same between us after all he did get "engaged" to someone else during the previous months and I felt it was best to let things remain as they were.
I was just trying to be strong to not cave in, I had to let him go. When we got off the phone I just broke down and sobbed. It didn't matter that I was sitting at my desk at work. I was so heart broken but it was important to be strong, for the both of us if we were ever going to get well. Either one of us. We had to learn how to not be in love or together.
A funny thing happens when you put that much thought and energy into someone you care about, they contact you or you just "Happen" to run into them someplace. And sure enough one morning around 7:30 the phone rang, it was Bob. I couldn't believe it. All I could say to him was how happy I was to hear from him. I told him I had been trying to call him on his birthday and could not find him. I felt so relieved just to hear his voice. A sense of wholeness engulfed my entire body. The missing link to my happiness was in place. I just threw caution to the wind. No more being strong or tough. I just had to be honest. There were no games going to be played this time. I loved this man and he needed to know that there was one person besides his dad that could love him and forgive him unconditionally.
He had been sober for four months this time. One of the longest stretches of sobriety he had reached in severall years. I was overcome with a renewed sense of hope. Genuine hope. Bob had bottomed out. He had lost everthing, including his digity when he was living in the desert. He was sincere about rebuilding his life. I heard it in his voice, I felt it in my body. It was different this time.
So started the beginning of the rest of my life.
January 02, 2007
Scared Straight
It's amazing how much fear motivates a person. The fear of losing his freedom catapulted Bob into some serious commitment to getting and staying sober. This was not uncommon for Bob when first entering any recovery place he was always serious about getting well. The problem was that he had been to over 20 some rehabs by this time and the longer he was there or at any place for that matter, the more his restlessness took over. At some point he just wanted to get out and would really stop paying attention to the couselors. But this place didn't have "Counselors" it had shinks.
One day his new Doctor called me. As he started telling me of Bob's good attitude and co-operation I laid it out for him. Bob was one of the smartest people I had ever known in my life. He had figured out what to say years ago to get the staff off his back. He was so charming and sounded so sincere and convincing. I told the doctor that if he really wanted to help Bob he could not let him get away with anything. He was capable of telling him exactly what the doctor wanted to hear. He was an expert at going to Rehab.
The Doctor took my advice and the next time I did talk to Bob he told me how they were really on his case and if he didn't do everything the wanted he was going to jail.
Mission accomplished. Bob was scared straight. He did everything he was told to do and maybe for the first time in a long time he told the truth to someone.
I'm sure it was very painful for him to face the pain he had put his family thru and I was stunned when I got a call from his Dad asking my opinion of what I thought about his going to see Bob in Kansas. I couldn't believe he was thinking of going. I of course told him that I knew he had to go. It was a good thing hopefully for the both of them. Hopefully there would be some healing for the two of them.
His father had always been there for him, but he had never gone to visit him in any of the many places since I knew Bob in the past five years. The fact that his Dad was going was major. Now Bob couldn't blame his father any longer as he used to go on and on about how noone in the family ever came to see him. He used it as an excuse to drink. One more excuse was stripped away from him.
Bob would be left facing his demons and the truth, no matter how painful it was for him.
As they say in the AA program, speak the truth and the truth will set you free. It was all starting.
One day his new Doctor called me. As he started telling me of Bob's good attitude and co-operation I laid it out for him. Bob was one of the smartest people I had ever known in my life. He had figured out what to say years ago to get the staff off his back. He was so charming and sounded so sincere and convincing. I told the doctor that if he really wanted to help Bob he could not let him get away with anything. He was capable of telling him exactly what the doctor wanted to hear. He was an expert at going to Rehab.
The Doctor took my advice and the next time I did talk to Bob he told me how they were really on his case and if he didn't do everything the wanted he was going to jail.
Mission accomplished. Bob was scared straight. He did everything he was told to do and maybe for the first time in a long time he told the truth to someone.
I'm sure it was very painful for him to face the pain he had put his family thru and I was stunned when I got a call from his Dad asking my opinion of what I thought about his going to see Bob in Kansas. I couldn't believe he was thinking of going. I of course told him that I knew he had to go. It was a good thing hopefully for the both of them. Hopefully there would be some healing for the two of them.
His father had always been there for him, but he had never gone to visit him in any of the many places since I knew Bob in the past five years. The fact that his Dad was going was major. Now Bob couldn't blame his father any longer as he used to go on and on about how noone in the family ever came to see him. He used it as an excuse to drink. One more excuse was stripped away from him.
Bob would be left facing his demons and the truth, no matter how painful it was for him.
As they say in the AA program, speak the truth and the truth will set you free. It was all starting.
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