He told me the story of the love of his life the first night I met him.
She was perfect he told me. He had counted all her little fingers and toes just to make sure. It was his daughter. He would dedicate his every thought from that moment on to make sure that she had whatever her little heart desired. It was love at first sight for him. No other woman in his world would ever come close to the love he felt for her, or the gut wrenching disappointment he would come to know at her coldness and indifferance to him many years later.
He wondered how he would ever be able to provide the kind of life he knew she deserved. He was only in his mid twenties when she was born. Not really established in the Legal Community and he just loved being in the DA's office. No money there to speak of. So he opened his own practice at the encouragement of his wife's family.
He was a young attorney with a law practice and a mortgage to maintain. He wasn't making a lot of money and his young wife was the product of a wealthy life style. He was constantly reminded by his inlaws that he needed to give their daughter the kind of home she deserved. He tried his best. At 27 he had a lot of responsibility. He had dreamed of becoming a journalist but his parents wanted him to go to law school. They were very convincing and he finally gave in. Actually if he hadn't agreed to go the Law School he would have never met his wife. After becoming friends with her brother, they found themselves in love and planning a wedding after six months. Life was rushing past him almost too fast to keep up with. His days were consumed with working and in the beginning studying for the bar exam. Two years or so had flown by and today he was looking into the eyes of his angel. Could this be enough to put the happiness back in his world? His mother was so sick, his job was exhausting him, he was finding solice in a bottle not to mention the ability to escape all the problems he seemed to have. He wanted to make everyone happy, he always did. It was part of his problem, the more guilt he felt, the more he would seek oblivion in the bottom of a glass.
Of course with the drinking came a lot of very unaceptable behavior. All in all he had plenty of reasons to feel guilty he told me. It was a vicious cycle.
The one thing besides his daughter that he loved was his work. He was a great prosecuter. He was working in Compton and making quite a name for himself. He had only lost one case out of ten. The problem was that there is no money in the DA's office, at least not for what was expected of him.
Somewhere along the way, they managed to talk him into starting his own Criminal Defense Practice.
This is what he was doing when I first met him. I should actually say that is what he was supposed to be doing. He was pretty much non functional at that time. He did still have an office, but there was no work really going on there by him. I think his partner was carring the load of the office.
October 09, 2006
October 08, 2006
The Journey of Love
When does an Ordinary Life warrant writing about? Does anyone have an interest? Millions of People die in this world only to be forgotten by all but their loved ones and when they die that's it.
Unless a person achieve some sort of notoriety in their life, it is but a blur. Why is that? The world is run by ordinary people. They even make films about them hence "Ordinary People" was a box office smash.
Sometimes the lives of these people don't want to be remembered by their families.
I went to a very successful Doctor's funeral many years ago, the father of one of my best friends, and all that they could say about him at the eulogy, is that "He was a Difficult Man".
Personally I was quite taken aback by that. I don't think his patients would have Eulogized him quite the same way. He had helped so many people. In Los Angeles to be a renowned surgeon and one of the Top Hospitals is not an easy thing to achieve. Even I took my son to see him when I found no answer to a simple problem he had with his feet as a small infant. This man looked at Matt, gave me a hug and told me to do nothing. He was fine. I will always be thankful that he was honest and didn't put my son or our Family through needless worry, like two other "Specialists" had recommended.
I never dreamed that one day an my son's own father's funeral the best his other child could do was to read an essay she wrote about him in high school ten years before that. It wasn't all that flattering and a simple I loved you and will miss you would have been much more appropriate. But then again, what do I know. I always wear my heart on my sleeve. And love me or hate me don't ask me a question if you are not willing to hear the answer.
I decided to honor the man that I married and to put down in writing that which was so thoughtlessly omitted from his headstone. He was a great man, a troubled man, at times a more than difficult man with a heart of gold and a capacity to love like I had never experienced before. Not the kind of man that you can just sweep under a headstone and forget about him.
I won't let that happen. Every now and then I hear a song by Celine Dion and it never fails to bring me to tears. It's called "Because You Love Me." It was our song. Lyrics that just cut to the core of our often turbulent love for one another. A song of redemption and retributions. Almost like a story, our story.
We danced to it at our son's Bar Mitsfa, just weeks after yet another relapse. I couldn't hold my tears back, it was too beautiful and too painful to hear at the time. I was filled with so many emotions that day it's hard to look back without thinking it was so bitter sweet. I was grateful he was sober, basically grateful he was still alive but at the same time I was so angry with him for scarring me and the family right before such an important time in our son's life. I literally had to hire a sober member of AA to watch him that day, so that he would not be tempted to take a drink. It was exhausting to play the perfect hostess to family and friends and all the while praying he would not be tempted to take a drink. It was all done very discreetly so not many people except his AA friends knew he was being guarded all day long. I can't even begin to express my gratitude that they all helped Bob get through that day. Later on a few people complained about the bathroom being too far from where the tent was. I really had to laugh to my self because I was thinking that if they only knew what the real problems were they wouldn't have even bothered to complain about anything. Believe me when I tell you that I could have cared less if the family didn't like the music the food or the fact that they had to walk to the bathroom. They should have been relieved we still had Bob there for the event. Funny how forgetful ones own family can be.
So when that song played and especially when Celine sings the line, "You Saw the Best There Was In Me" I just broke down. Bob had always told me that if it wasn't for me loving him so much and never giving up hope that he could get sober, he would be dead. He had just come back from Las Vegas and dodged yet another bullet. He went there to Die. Just like in the film "Leaving Las Vegas".
When that movie came out he was obsessed with it. It struck a nerve deep in his subconscious mind. He never wanted to be an Alcoholic, He had gone fourteen years without picking up that drink, and now the monkey on his back wouldn't let go.
He was more torchered that he ever was. Felt more like a failure because he had it all, and threw it all away on a drink and what goes along with it. He was simply tired of fighting the obsession to pick up a drink, day after day, hour after hours.
He was ready to give up but just couldn't. Our lives were never the same after that. We had moments of happiness, but never like during the fourteen years when he hadn't picked up that drink.
Everything we did to make sure that he could stay sober were now proven wrong. Nothing could stop a person from picking up that first drink. I had heard it a thousand times in AA meetings but now it was glaring at me. What a fool I had been to believe my own hype. If we moved to a place where it didn't remind him of his drinking it would be better. If we moved to a quiet little town with nothing to do, he would be safer. If we didn't socialize with normal people who drank socially, he wouldn't be tempted. Well none of that turned out to be true. He went to work one day and decided to buy a small bottle of Vodka. End of Sobriety, end of life as we knew it.
I will always be thankful that our son got to live in a sober house hold for twelve years. We had a more than average life, an ordinary life of PTA Meetings, Little League Games, Karate, Basketball, movies and dinners at McDonald's. With one swallow, that all came to a crashing halt.
What we lost that day was something that could never be replaced. Much more important than his losing his sobriety, which if you believe in AA is only a one day thing anyway, We lost the TRUST that we had gotten back and kept for all those years.
Trust is like your health, without it you have nothing.
I really don't expect anyone to read this blog or comment on it for that matter. I'm writing it as more of a healing exercise along with documenting some of the things that I have experienced in my life. As in any one's life, there have been many many highs and lows.
There are things I have been through that so many other's have experienced, I am no different than anyone of thousands of people who are hopelessly in love with an Alcoholic or Addict. We have all lived through the eye of the storm so to speak, I don't regret one moment of my life and it's important to keep that in mind when you read this, if there is anyone but me reading this.
Some of what I'm writing is true, some of it is fiction. The characters will know who they are and know what is true and what isn't. It may be interesting or it may bore you. It doesn't matter. It is what it is.
Everything I have been through has made me the woman I am today. Whatever that is. The one thing I am not, is a person who gives up in the face of adversity. I have learned to be strong and stick up for the truth and for myself. If you are weak in your life, I have learned , the vultures will be waiting to go in for the kill. Waiting to get what they think you are too weak to defend.
I should define that word "Vulture" as I now have come to understand it and how it apply's to my life.In my world a vulture can be the people you loved and trusted the most who surprize you when you really should have seen it coming all along. Of course that can also mean the newer people in your life. The ones you turn to for help, in your time of need. The lawyers you have to seek out for their advice. You don't really have a choice. You have to have one of more. What a nightmare that experience is.
If there is the slightest scent of weakness, a vulture will sense it. Trust me when I sat "TRUST NO ONE" it is the best advice I can give to you. Here is the main player in my story. A bit of back story is important so bear with me.
Unless a person achieve some sort of notoriety in their life, it is but a blur. Why is that? The world is run by ordinary people. They even make films about them hence "Ordinary People" was a box office smash.
Sometimes the lives of these people don't want to be remembered by their families.
I went to a very successful Doctor's funeral many years ago, the father of one of my best friends, and all that they could say about him at the eulogy, is that "He was a Difficult Man".
Personally I was quite taken aback by that. I don't think his patients would have Eulogized him quite the same way. He had helped so many people. In Los Angeles to be a renowned surgeon and one of the Top Hospitals is not an easy thing to achieve. Even I took my son to see him when I found no answer to a simple problem he had with his feet as a small infant. This man looked at Matt, gave me a hug and told me to do nothing. He was fine. I will always be thankful that he was honest and didn't put my son or our Family through needless worry, like two other "Specialists" had recommended.
I never dreamed that one day an my son's own father's funeral the best his other child could do was to read an essay she wrote about him in high school ten years before that. It wasn't all that flattering and a simple I loved you and will miss you would have been much more appropriate. But then again, what do I know. I always wear my heart on my sleeve. And love me or hate me don't ask me a question if you are not willing to hear the answer.
I decided to honor the man that I married and to put down in writing that which was so thoughtlessly omitted from his headstone. He was a great man, a troubled man, at times a more than difficult man with a heart of gold and a capacity to love like I had never experienced before. Not the kind of man that you can just sweep under a headstone and forget about him.
I won't let that happen. Every now and then I hear a song by Celine Dion and it never fails to bring me to tears. It's called "Because You Love Me." It was our song. Lyrics that just cut to the core of our often turbulent love for one another. A song of redemption and retributions. Almost like a story, our story.
We danced to it at our son's Bar Mitsfa, just weeks after yet another relapse. I couldn't hold my tears back, it was too beautiful and too painful to hear at the time. I was filled with so many emotions that day it's hard to look back without thinking it was so bitter sweet. I was grateful he was sober, basically grateful he was still alive but at the same time I was so angry with him for scarring me and the family right before such an important time in our son's life. I literally had to hire a sober member of AA to watch him that day, so that he would not be tempted to take a drink. It was exhausting to play the perfect hostess to family and friends and all the while praying he would not be tempted to take a drink. It was all done very discreetly so not many people except his AA friends knew he was being guarded all day long. I can't even begin to express my gratitude that they all helped Bob get through that day. Later on a few people complained about the bathroom being too far from where the tent was. I really had to laugh to my self because I was thinking that if they only knew what the real problems were they wouldn't have even bothered to complain about anything. Believe me when I tell you that I could have cared less if the family didn't like the music the food or the fact that they had to walk to the bathroom. They should have been relieved we still had Bob there for the event. Funny how forgetful ones own family can be.
So when that song played and especially when Celine sings the line, "You Saw the Best There Was In Me" I just broke down. Bob had always told me that if it wasn't for me loving him so much and never giving up hope that he could get sober, he would be dead. He had just come back from Las Vegas and dodged yet another bullet. He went there to Die. Just like in the film "Leaving Las Vegas".
When that movie came out he was obsessed with it. It struck a nerve deep in his subconscious mind. He never wanted to be an Alcoholic, He had gone fourteen years without picking up that drink, and now the monkey on his back wouldn't let go.
He was more torchered that he ever was. Felt more like a failure because he had it all, and threw it all away on a drink and what goes along with it. He was simply tired of fighting the obsession to pick up a drink, day after day, hour after hours.
He was ready to give up but just couldn't. Our lives were never the same after that. We had moments of happiness, but never like during the fourteen years when he hadn't picked up that drink.
Everything we did to make sure that he could stay sober were now proven wrong. Nothing could stop a person from picking up that first drink. I had heard it a thousand times in AA meetings but now it was glaring at me. What a fool I had been to believe my own hype. If we moved to a place where it didn't remind him of his drinking it would be better. If we moved to a quiet little town with nothing to do, he would be safer. If we didn't socialize with normal people who drank socially, he wouldn't be tempted. Well none of that turned out to be true. He went to work one day and decided to buy a small bottle of Vodka. End of Sobriety, end of life as we knew it.
I will always be thankful that our son got to live in a sober house hold for twelve years. We had a more than average life, an ordinary life of PTA Meetings, Little League Games, Karate, Basketball, movies and dinners at McDonald's. With one swallow, that all came to a crashing halt.
What we lost that day was something that could never be replaced. Much more important than his losing his sobriety, which if you believe in AA is only a one day thing anyway, We lost the TRUST that we had gotten back and kept for all those years.
Trust is like your health, without it you have nothing.
I really don't expect anyone to read this blog or comment on it for that matter. I'm writing it as more of a healing exercise along with documenting some of the things that I have experienced in my life. As in any one's life, there have been many many highs and lows.
There are things I have been through that so many other's have experienced, I am no different than anyone of thousands of people who are hopelessly in love with an Alcoholic or Addict. We have all lived through the eye of the storm so to speak, I don't regret one moment of my life and it's important to keep that in mind when you read this, if there is anyone but me reading this.
Some of what I'm writing is true, some of it is fiction. The characters will know who they are and know what is true and what isn't. It may be interesting or it may bore you. It doesn't matter. It is what it is.
Everything I have been through has made me the woman I am today. Whatever that is. The one thing I am not, is a person who gives up in the face of adversity. I have learned to be strong and stick up for the truth and for myself. If you are weak in your life, I have learned , the vultures will be waiting to go in for the kill. Waiting to get what they think you are too weak to defend.
I should define that word "Vulture" as I now have come to understand it and how it apply's to my life.In my world a vulture can be the people you loved and trusted the most who surprize you when you really should have seen it coming all along. Of course that can also mean the newer people in your life. The ones you turn to for help, in your time of need. The lawyers you have to seek out for their advice. You don't really have a choice. You have to have one of more. What a nightmare that experience is.
If there is the slightest scent of weakness, a vulture will sense it. Trust me when I sat "TRUST NO ONE" it is the best advice I can give to you. Here is the main player in my story. A bit of back story is important so bear with me.
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