Graduation from Stanford

Well, his daughter's graduation from Stanford was monumental for so many reasons.
First of all she gave us all hell when she got in and now she was thrilled to be graduating from such an amazing University.

The weekend started out great. The entire family went to San Francisco to celebrate her achievement.
There was so much tension in the air that weekend and I'm sure no one will ever forget how uncomfortable it got.

We met his daughter in Palo Alto for brunch because she was having dinner with her other family members. Bob always felt slighted but after a year of her not speaking with him, he was having a bit of trouble keeping his anger under control.
This time he lashed out at my mother in law at brunch.
She just happened to be the only one who ordered anything alcoholic to drink and that set Bob off more than she could have ever imagined.
He simply could not tolerate people drinking in front of him early in the day for some reason. He used it against her.
We were discussing how difficult it was to get into Stanford and she mentioned that her nephew did not get accepted, even with my Father in Law's generous donations. She went on to say that Saul should never contribute to Stanford again, because she thought it was so unfair.

Well, Bob just unloaded on her. He started telling her to stay out of it because we still had Matt to think about, at that time we all thought that he wanted to go there like the rest of the family.
I don't know how she didn't burst into tears right at the table. I was so shocked because even though I was used to him going off at me about anything, he had never raised his voice to her ever.
Once again, his father took control of the situation and calmed him down, at least on the outside. He was still fuming on the inside. It was the day before his daughters' graduation and I'm sure he just wanted to unload on everyone in the family who condoned his daughter not speaking to him for that year.
He had to come face to face with her Mom, and her other family members.

Actually, looking back I don't know how he kept it as together as he did. He was a great actor. He had a lot of anger and resentment just locked inside of him and it was being squeezed out a little at a time. Oozing out of his pours. So that trip my mother in law got to experience first hand what I had sort of become amune to.
I guess I just became tough. It rolled off my shoulders most of the time unless the insults just got too ugly.

She was lucky that he didn't go on about her drinking in the morning to her face like he just kept going on to me about.
Actually it was such a big deal in his head that when we returned home, I had to explain to his brother why he felt that way about her drinking.
He resented the fact that she was his father's designated driver, who drinks in the morning and on and on.
Well I must say, he certainly was an expert of drinking. After 30 rehabs he sure had enough of an education to spot a normal drinking pattern from one that was excessive and he didn't really buy the old wine is good for the heart thing.
He resented that his father was now opening a bottle of wine for dinner every night because he never did that when his Mom was alive.

I could not argue with him on that point. I never met his Mom, but from all the stories I have listened to over the years I don't think there ever could have been anyone to fill those shoes in his eyes. Especially his dad's second wife.
In her defense, she tried to be kind to all of us, but we were always aware that he made her uncomfortable when he was around and we were never really invited to just drop in for dinner. It had to be an occasion for that to happen.
He also resented his old room being used as a guest room for her family and friends.
He couldn't seem to let it go.

All I know is that there was no reasoning with him about any of this. They were his feelings and I couldn't change them. At best I could try and shorten the monologues that I was forced to listen to and try my best not to make him more angry with my opinions.

Life could be so happy and carefree, until he started thinking about his family. Then Matt and I would pay the price.

He was starting to just sit on the sofa in our room smoking and running all these old tapes in his head letting his resentments grow.
Finally he just stopped talking about it as much.
He would just sit, smoke and talk to himself quietly. Sometimes I would walk into the room and watch him have a conversation with himself. He wasn't speaking out loud, but his lips were moving. It was very odd.

Looking back, this was a man in trouble and I sure didn't know how to help him. What can you do for a man who has been to all the best hospitals, had years of meetings, rejected all the physiologists and did not really respect anyone in the program. All I could do at times was tolerate him and other times just leave the house for a while when his temper got too out of control.

I really did feel sorry for him at times and at other times I was just angry with him. He was brilliant, why couldn't he just let go of wanting to drink? Even though he wasn't drinking, he was still consumed with thinking of alcohol.
Judging everyone who did drink. I was so grateful that I was never a drinker or I can only imagine what hell my days would have been like.

We started making plans to move up to Northern California to send Matt to a private school up there. It was almost the breath of fresh air everyone needed.

We started spending time in the Bay Area with Bob's best friend Bill. They were like brothers. They had been high school and college roommates and buddies. They had been through a lot together.

I really loved Bill and his family. I always felt safe around them because Bob was on his best behaviour around them.
The only thing was that Bob had not told Bill that he had had a major slip a couple of years before that.
He was really ashamed of it and he did not want the fact that he didn't have that continuous long term sobriety to affect our sons chances of getting in to his old school. At the time, I really didn't think there was any reason to tell his friend.
After all, it was not really my place to do so. If he wanted Bill to know he would have to be the one to confide in him.

We wanted Matt to like the Bay Area so much. We took him to San Francisco quite a bit and he started loving "Japan Town" and the city. He loved the tall buildings and the hip urban environment. Not to mention that he started collecting Japanese animation and videos and every time we went to the city he came home with a stash of new movies.

Finally one day we got the good news letter. Matt did indeed get accepted into Menlo. I was so thrilled for all of us. I was counting on this being a solid new beginning in our lives and with the support of his best friend and his family I thought the move would be flawless.

My nephew came to visit and we took him with us to San Francisco to look for a house to lease for the four years we had to be up there. All in all it was an amazing weekend for all.
Because I had lived there for so many years I knew the city like the back of my hand.
We never got lost and I drove all over the place.
It really was a new world.
We just happened to be in town for Gay Pride Week and Matt and Paul got a new kind of education. Paul came from Wisconsin and we were from Malibu, so it was quite a different celebration for the both of them.
I just remember having so many laughs that entire weekend. My hopes for the future were at an all time high. I had never embraced a new beginning quite as enthusiastically as I did that move.

I was really tired of being caged in up here in Malibu. Malibu had lost it's charm for me the day Bob picked up his first drink. I was constantly complaining about it. I felt I was living in a retirement community and didn't bother to hide my opinion about it. I used to say that Malibu was a place people came to to die. It seemed that people here stopped living in a way. The friends I had never went into LA to see the theatre, Opera or any of the things I wanted to do. It had also happened to Bob. All he wanted to do was go to the movies and then he would just fall asleep in them. I was bored to tears. The only thing I loved about the place was our house. The town's charm had long ago lost it magic for me.