Thoughts

I find that sitting here writing about all the things that happened to Bob I have failed to really include the rollercoaster ride that I was taking at the same time.
How does one justify living in a totally out of control environment? What does that say about me? Several things come to mind, but I think the most obvious is that I simply loved and adored a really sick man. I haven't said much about the sober times, but you should know that those were the times that kept me hanging in there, hoping that one of these times a "CURE" could be found.

Of course I didn't understand then as I do now, that there is no cure for this disease, just simply not picking up that first drink, which by all my witnessing, first hand, was a lot harder than it sounds, especially for Bob.

But during those times when he was not drinking we lived a life that few people will ever know. I loved him to the core of my being and I believe he loved me the same way. How many people ever really and truly experience that kind of love.

We used to compare ourselves to Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. Like them inspite of all the fighting, relapse and argument's, there was a bond between us that would never be broken. This disease is not for the faint of heart. It takes it out of you. It will drag you down into the deepest caverns of despair and then suddenly lift you high into Euphoric States of excitement and renewed hope when "normalcy" returns. It's like having a honeymoon time over and over again.

It's funny, but I never ever gave up the idea that one day Bob would loose the craving to pick up that first drink. Silly me, but I could not face a life with him if I didn't believe in his sincere desire to be rid of the demon that had a hold on his soul.
Every single time he got sober again, I seemed to have this renewed belief in his ability to "make it" this time.
I really have lost count of the times I said that to my family and myself.
I simply wanted to believe that every time he got sober he would stay sober. I just knew he could. I knew it.

We would spend all those times being such a normal couple. We shared a passion for movies, we both loved taking his daughter places, we wanted to be a happy little family, and during those times we were. The ideal couple, so in love as we were. I was devoted to his every wish, I never wanted to not be there for him.

Having said that, I was also now fully imersessed in AlAnon and it's "tough love" philosophy.
One time we went to a really large AA conference in Palm Springs with all our AA friends and a speaker actually told me that if I continued too "Help" him the way I had been, I might as well just hand him a gun myself, because in her opinion, I was killing him as much as he was killing himself.
That shook me to the core of my soul. How could she I thought. What a terrible thing to say to someone. Little did I know that she was right.
I had to learn the hard way, that one of the things Bob loved about me the most was the fact that I was a World Class Enabler.
Hell, I still would be if he were here today.
I struggled with that one. I would almost have to restrain myself to not be there for him. It just simply got to the point where I would have to unplug my phones so that I wouldn't be tempted to go and break him out of another rehab or nurse him back to health after getting so sick from drinking.

I didn't know how to say no. I couldn't do it. I just learned to not here the question. But the moment that call came in that he was ready to go somewhere, anywhere to get sober again, he knew I would always be there to help him get there no matter what it took and I guess the fact that I with the help of his dad and the attorney, really did go to any length the help him. And just wait until you read the reward that I got for just being there one last time.

When that last call came in for help I hadn't even seen him for at least two or three months, but I somehow knew it was coming, I always knew.