Being Enlightened

So what has happened to me emotionally and intellectually during my lifetime? I have become more than enlightened in the ways of the world. Unfortunately life has forever altered me and some would say not in a good way.
I have had to go into survival mode on so many levels. I feel like a man who has the pleasure and the burden of protecting their loved ones.
I have gone into warrior mentality, not by choice but by necessity. All my senses are heightened and I am aware of perhaps more than I want to be aware of.
I no longer trust anyone to be what they appear on the outside to be.
My mind always reserves the right to disprove what they are saying. I know that most people have their own agenda, we no longer live in a kind world. It has become a survival of the fittest world.
The weak have always been run over by the strong. I choose not to ever be weak again.

In the past two years I have lost everything that was important to me except my son.
I have lost the ability to believe in people and kindness. I used to be so naive and Bob would get very upset with me and tell me how ridiculous I was to trust everyone. Unfortunately, he was so right.

He had the ability to see right through people. He could judge them in a second and know who they really were. It was a gift that held him in good standing while practicing law in his younger years.
He could see the lies in their eyes. If you recall earlier I told a story about how he knew his cousin would be killed by his former best friend. The court mediator thought he was crazy. Less than a week later, his cousin would indeed be murdered by his friend.

I did have the luxury of finally listening to Bob, the last couple of years of his life. He was relatively clean and sober and when you had a sober Bob you were in the presence of brilliance.

I have never known a more insightful or brilliant mind. It was one of the most attractive things about him, besides he good looks.

He called it every time. He humbled me in so many ways and in the end I took advantage of his tutoring me in the ways of life and the world.
He had overcome so many obstacles in his life with his battling his addiction.
He too had suffered the loss of so many things. None of them material. I think it started when he lost his mother. He was consumed by all the things he did to disappoint her. He was torchered by the loss of his daughter's love of him, and baffled how he offered her so much and got really nothing in return except her wanting more of his money and not his time.
He rarely spoke of his brother's lack of approval it was just too deep and painful to talk about. He loved him but they were never close in the 25 years that I had know them. Not close like I am with my brother, who I can call up and just talk and he will listen to what is going on in my life. I think it was probably the reason Bob and Richard were so close, Bob could talk to him and Richard would listen. He regarded Richard as a brother and in his way he rewarded that kindness by helping Richard get a house. Richard never judged him like so many did, he simply saw the good side and couldn't even conceive a the things that were going on when Bob was drinking.
Bob's father was one of the most generous people I have ever known,he too rewarded people who were loyal to him with great kindness. Don't get me wrong, they both could be very tough and I would hate to be on the bad side of either of them. But they both had a balance between tough and kind that balanced them out.

I loved being influenced by that kind of generosity. I really wanted to follow in their loving footsteps, BUT it is a different world now. People are different, there is a world full of opportunists even loved ones can become opportunists. I told Matt I think I went to sleep one night and work up as DAD.

I now tend to see the world totally different than many people who I used to be surrounded by. I no longer have the luxury of pretending and keeping my mouth shut and hope that all the uncomfortable things that life throws my way, will just vanish.
I no longer have a shoulder to lean on or the strength of a man. Actually the strengh I thought I was leaning on crumbled into a pile of dust anyway. The illusion of security, just vanished in a moment of truth one night a little over two years ago.

The woman I had been died that fateful night also, but I didn't realize it at the moment that my life would be altered in so many ways. That night I lost my other half, the half that kept the lid on outrageous thoughts for the most part.
The metamorphose has been complete. Sometimes welcomed and sometimes not.

I'm a woman, living in a man's world. Much like Jane Austin I don't want to play the part that society deems fit for a female. Where the hell is society when, I'm facing financial ruin at the hands of a man, who is in charge of a simple act like delivering a check on time.
In two years I watched my credit rating plummet at the hands of a man, and had to spend ten thousand dollars on an attorney just to get my checks delivered by the first of the month. I was not supposed to fight for anything, and believe me, the opinion that man has of me is probably not good. How dare I question a man? A professional old man at that. A man who can't really remember things as it was glaring out at me during the final phase of me finishing up my part of probate, my divorce. This man "thought" he had already paid me back my legal fees. Does anyone think that I would forget that? Whatever.

Tonight I was reminded of one very important thing. I would rather be respected than liked because no matter what I do someone always seems to be bothered.

Oh, I used to be liked, adored or possibly even loved. Who knows. Today as I sit here I would rather be a force to reckon with than the weak, meek or simple minded who seem to dominate the world today. Nothing gets past my eagle eyes or my perception. I have finally become more like a man in my thinking than a woman. I cringe at remembering my old subservient ways. It makes me ashamed that I allowed so many things to happen to me. Marisa said it best when she reminded me that I should have never even trusted her father by not reading certain documents pertaining to my divorce. TRUST NO ONE once again screams out loud.
It's like being trained as a warrior. Every sense is heightened. That's survival mode. You can't help it. It just is. Nothing gets past me of importance, it doesn't make people comfortable.

Has there ever been a President of any country that was loved and adored by Everyone?
Hell no. Do they seem to care? Just think of Clinton or Bush. It's part of the job description. Half the country or more will end up despising you, regardless if they voted for them or not. The price of power is walking a lonely road. There are no friends just faces who either need you or want something from you.
At least the Politicians can blame their unpopularity on Partisan Politics. I can only blame myself for the separatist I have become.


I feel like I mostly identify with Jane Austin of all people. God forbid a woman should point out the inequities of the sexes. Or not want to depend on a man. Because trust me, I know that the price I paid for that false security came at way too high a price. One that destroys the meek. I was heading down that road until I had a miraculous recovery in my mind. I just will not give in to popular opinion of me or anything. Whatever I think or do not think I still end up in the same position Alone with my thoughts.

I can only tell you that I would not change anything about my outspoken personality for anyone. What are the choices? I could go back to crying and whining about my fate, or I can take the higher ground and make things happen for myself. A very unpopular thing for woman to do. Society puts woman into little boxes.
One day I was speaking to an insurance agent about getting a life insurance policy for myself and he said he was surprised because it is not something that woman do.
It's 2007 for gods sake. It is still a man's world.
I fell like since I've had to deal with men on their playing field, lawyers accountants insurance brokers etc. they view woman like children, "We should be seen and not heard".
I played the game for years and where did it get me? It got me an accurate view of life and a family that really doesn't know what it means to be a family.

There is no point on being a people pleas er. It is a waste of my time. People end up having something to say anyway. In life, it seems people are damned if they do and damned if they don't. So if those are the odds what the hell, there is nothing to loose but truth itself. Tell it like it is.It's why I choose to remain a lone ranger. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tonight I had an interesting situation where something got back to me. It's funny how the human mind is quick to point the finger away from the truth. Hell I'm happy I threaten people enough to have them still talking about me, as I said earlier this evening,I must be getting back on top of my game.
A smart woman is a dangerous thing to handle. Especially when there is no reason left to sensor truth any longer. If you run with me, be prepared to hear it that way I see it. Mostly very, very truthful. I do have a tendency to hold the mirror up and make people look into it.

I had to learn the hard way that in the end the only thing that really matters is how a person views themselves. "To thine own self be true" someone once uttered.
It is my motto, can't live it any other way any more. I spent too many years trying to please the people that in the end turned their backs on me for greed or for the fear that I knew too much and would and could dare to speak the truth.

Well here it is, the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth as I have written several times in the past. The pen is so much mightier than the sword. Words cut deeper than a knife.

Is it a curse to see through the haze of polite society, perhaps. It certainly does separate the men from the boys. Truth has never been for the weak, it brings grown men to their knees others to criminal acts.
So imagine me, a petite little blond with the insight to see right past all the bull shit and niceties of polite society. It is not a welcomed trait to poses.

Most people would much rather talk about you behind your back and pretend to share your same feelings. Not me. I have lost the sensible ability to sensor myself.
Mostly when I have this overwhelming need to speak the unspeakable. Whether or not it is well received. I do make some people uncomfortable but there is only one person in my entire world that matters to me, Matt. The rest are just players in the play of life. In a couple of years I won't even remember most of their names.

At least when I check out of this life in my final golden years I will have done it without fear of what others think of me. I already know and have always known.
They either fear or hate me. You know that old saying, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful"? That has been my life with the exception of my former husband and my son.
I have walk a solitary road for so many years. I never tried to be popular even back in high school, I found the jealousy of being my self something that alienated my friend from me. People like to hang out with clones of themselves. That way they don't see the need to change.

It's a double whammy to look like I do and see through the bullshit and tell it like it is. I just don't care anymore what people think of me.
I wouldn't want to be a member of a club that wanted me anyway, as W C Fields said.
I want to listen to the beat of my own drums not someone else's.