A Family in Crisis

If there ever was a moment in my life where I had no control over the events that were about to unfold it was sitting in a cab with Bob trying desperately to get him to an AA Meeting without him just telling the driver to pull over to the nearest Pub.

I had to accept that the dream of getting over the slip was Shattered. I never took into consideration how much anger and rage Marisa had towards her father. I should not have been surprised but I was shocked at the level of her rage.

Coming from a family of Mob guys I was used to people being more than angry at family members but never did I experience it first hand. His daughter really wanted nothing to do with her father, she would have preferred to have left him in Paris and the three of us just get one with our little vacation.

I never loved Bob more than I did at this moment in his life and I really felt his heartbreak. It also broke my heart that the truth could no longer be brushed under the rug and forgotten with tons and tons of retail therapy. The jig was up so to speak and as crazy as it sounds for the first time in years I was also proud of Marisa for telling him that she wanted nothing from him ever again.

Now this is what she wanted and she would soon find out that even though she thought her Mom would cover all the expenses associated with her Stanford tuition and the free spending she had on her dad's credit card she would soon come to realize that her Mother would have nothing to do with that scenario. But at least for the time being she felt that her relationship with him was not worth the stuff.

She was convinced that her Mom would just take care of everything. It was not meant to be.

Of course our amazing Matt would stay neutral as usual. He comforted his dad and stayed with his sister to in his own way comfort her.

I may not have been born into a well educated or wealthy family, but the one thing we were oozing with was the importance of family and I was being torn in half. Matt was neutral he loved us all. I had to find a way to comfort both Bob and Marisa, They were both hurting on so many levels that I was not prepared to handle. My god we needed a full time shrink on board for the next few months and I was in no shape to upset the apple cart with either of them.
I had to literally handle both of them with kid gloves. Bob's life depended on having my support because he was looking for any excuse to throw in the towel and just drink himself into oblivion.
He never really knew how much his daughter was affected by his alcoholism but the truth revealed in this manner was not something either of us had been prepared for.

I was angry with myself for even agreeing to go on this trip in the first place. Had I just said NO none of this would have happened but there was no turning back.
I was now in my maternal protective mode. I had to protect then both. From themselves and each other. Not an easy task for anyone, but given the tight quarters we were facing flying home together was freaking me out. I had no idea how Bob could make that flight without a cigarette or a drink.
All these thoughts were going through my head while I was in that car and as we pulled up to the meeting place, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. Bob had made it past hurdle number one.
He wanted to get into that meeting as much as I wanted him to be there.

There really is such a thing as a miricle and that evening Bob experienced another miricle of sorts.
We were the first people to arrive at the meeting and the man who was leading asked Bob if he would do the honor of leading the group. Bob accepted and by doing so he would have no excuse to leave early.

The man's name was Ray. I will never forget that he saved Bob's life that night. They had an instant bond. In England it is a bit different that over in the States.
The person leading the meeting has to tell his story. I felt that we were really being protected that night.

Bob poured his heart out that night and instead of many different stories everyone there rallied around Bob and his honesty. He actually begged for their help and told them how he didn't think he could make it without a drink that night.

Ray told his story and as bad as Bob was feeling at the moment his heart went out to Ray. Ray told the group how his beloved daughter had passed away a year ago and how his marriage had fallen apart behind it. It was probably the only story that could top the pain that Bob was feeling. He may have lost his daughter's affection on this trip, but she was still alive and he would have an opportunity pehaps in the future to make it up to her.

Ray on the other hand would never have another chance to tell his daughter how much he loved and adored her. She was truly lost forever. It was a glimmer of light at the end of a long painful two days.
Ray was so taken by Bob and he related to how much that Bob wanted to drink, that he actually drove us back to our hotel and spent two hours with Bob in the coffee shop talking and comforting him. While they were talking I went to check on Matt and Marisa to make sure that they were ok and to let them know that we were back at the hotel. Marisa took really good care of feeding and entertaining Matt so they were just fine. I was emotionally on pins and needles. I just prayed that I could keep it together for all our sakes.
What an amazing gift Ray was that night. By the time he left it was well over 2am and we had to be at the airport at 7am. No time for drinking fighting or anything but sleeping.
Bob's last words when he got back to the room were, "I don't know if I can make it without a drink (there was a mini bar in the room), but I will try. That was enough for me. I kissed him good night and thanked him for trying.

At that point it was all about reverse phycology. I could not lecture him or tell him what would happen if he did drink. He already knew and as far as he was concerned there wasn't much left to live for that night. The words that had spilled from Marisa's mouth would haunt him forever. No matter how much in the years to come we would all try to pretend that they were never uttered they were always lurking in the back of our minds.

In all the years I knew him and all the fights we had experience neither of us had ever stooped to the level that she did. No one ever wanted anything but for him to be sober, she went beyond compassion with tough love into hatred. It forever altered my opinion of her and I really felt sorry for her. She obviously had some major major issues.

I had been kicked out of my house years before and it never occured to me to hate my parents, I simply was stunned. But I loved her and I needed to get her back home to her mom in one emotional piece also. I alwasy used to say no one gets to be like they are by themselves. We are shaped by our childhood and our parents and given the fact that she spent most of her time with her Mom and her family the damage was irreversable.
Whatever love she used to have for her father had been altered and it was heartbreaking to watch them both suffering like they were. I rose to the occassion and did my best to mother the two of them. Matt was just a dream, so loving to them both. He was always there for his Dad. And his Dad adored him for that love.