R.I.P. BOB

Today, Bob would have been 58 years old. I really wish he knew how much Matt and I miss him.
I took a small potted rose bush to place by his head stone and I had this cold chill run throgh my entire body when I read what was written or should I say not written on his grave marker.

BERNARD J PICK

(his name in Hebrew)

1948- 2005

You are in our thoughts.


That was it. Cold so cold. Bob deserved so much more than that. No mention that he was a beloved son, a beloved father, a beloved brother, or the best friend you would ever have. A kind man, the kind of man that would and did, give you the shirt off his back. A man who lived to make his children happy. And even when he was torchered by all his demons, that part of him remained consistent. It was the reason I fell in love with him and remained loyal to him even when our own relationship shattered under the chaos of his disease.

When Bob died so suddenly all the arrangements were made by his family. First of all I was in too much shock to be of any use, as he died practically in my arms, and second, I am not Jewish so I could not be involved in any of the details.
This can't possibly be all he meant to his family, it must be an oversight on someone's part, at least I hope so. They no longer speak to me because when he passed away so suddenly, our divorce was not final and his executor and I are in the middle of settling it. In my mind and by California Law if you have a long term Marriage, with no prenuptuals, the other party gets half. But not in this family. My step daughter would rather give money to attorney's than give me what is legally mine. But enough of that for today.

It makes me wonder if once Bob was gone how the real feelings of his death affected certain people. I got to the cemetery around 1:30. I thought I would go late enough so that if his daughter wanted to visit he father's grave site we would not run into each other. No one had been there or to his father's grave either. I brought them both flowers and sat and had a nice "talk" with them. How is it that once you are gone that's just the end of it. GONE No visits no flowers no sadness just nothing. It wouldn't have been so obvious to me if there were some sentimental statement carved into the marble for all the world to witness how loved and missed he was. But there was nothing, not even a date that he was born or died. The Basics.

Is that all he deserved? I think not. His every breath was consumed with love for his children. Even when that love was not returned his love never faltered. Even when his heart was broken by deeds of his daughter. He always forgave her. Like a puppy dog just wanting to be loved by an abusive master. That's how he was.

At least he was loved and appreciated by others and I hope that he took that love with him. I hope that he is resting in peace finally. I hope he found the peace that eluded him so much of his life. I pray he is looking down at his son and myself and he knows that our world has come to an unbearable black hole that we will try to get over. But everyday the phone does not ring with him calling to wake me up, or just to see how I am, is like an eternity.

Unless you have lost your soul mate, none of this will make any sense to you. He was my soul mate. I was the one in his life that forgave him everything, always. Right up till the end. I would never abandon him. Divorce could not separate us, nothing could. The silence is earth shattering without the sound of his voice calling me "STEPH". He must have called my name a billion times over 25 years that we were together. I used to cringe when he called, our son and I would make jokes about how many times he called my name, wanting me to do something for him. Now I would give anything just to hear my name called out by him just one more time. The silence is deafening and I can't hear anything but my own heart yearning to have him back in our world. To make it work this time. We were so close to regaining our lives and then within a second it was ripped away and I am left picking up the pieces of our broken life. Trying to figure out why. I loved this man so deeply so totally, that I tried everything I knew to help him get "better". In the end tough love was not the answer. I was replaced with another enabler. someone who would see it like he did because they shared the same problems.
But I was not an enabler and he would come to me and ask for advice on how to handle the situations that he found himself in. At least he came to know that it wasn't easy to watch someone hurt themselves. He knew that the only way to help someone was not to enable them. He got it finally, and we were going to try and build a life again based on that foundation.
It worked once before, I believe it could have worked again, but now it's all speculation.

If you are up there watching me today Bob, I know you feel how much I love you and I miss you. Rest in Peace my love.