How to Help someone who doesn't understand What they are doing to Themselves by staying in a Toxic Relationship

I spent two different weekends with an acquaintance of mine who has been living with an Alcoholic for over 10 years.
When she met him she had just lost custody of her son to her former husband who just happened to also be a well connected Lawyer. It was all so tragic, She claimed he was
sexually abusing the 4 year old and when she tried to get help through the Doctors and Agencies who supposedly help
families they in turn gave custody to the alleged "child molester" In this world there is no justice for women who complain to
well connected, men. The boy is now 21 and is still not permitted to see her. How can the legal system do that? The father had
a lifetime resrtaining order against her. For What???? Trying to protect her son from him.
It's like a sane person who gets committed to an insane asylum, the more you protest your not crazy, the more they think you
are. What a world.

She was an affluent resident in Malibu and went from that to losing he son, while trying to protect him, to a basically broke,
almost homeless woman. As I watched her life unravel I saw first hand what the inequities between the power of a Husband
and a wife can tragically become.

This is a common occurrence in families DISFUNCTION. Whether it is alcohol related or not. Obviously there was some other
kind of illness going on in their home for it all to fall apart like that. I wondered why someone who had experienced such trauma
would find herself in another situation which is almost as bad in other ways.

Do Normal people continue to go from one terrible relationship to another? I know so many people who do. What kind of help
is there for people. Therapy rarely helps, especially if you don't have the money to spend year after year sitting in some silent Doctor's office hoping that you will get relief and go broke in the process.

At least if you know there is alcohol addition or drug abuse there are 12 step programs available for no cost other than the willingness to show up. Which sounds a LOT easier than it is for many. Admitting you need help is often the last thing anyone
wants to admit.

Back to my friend, this is the second weekend she sought shelter in my house. After talking about her life these past ten years
I realized that No help I was giving her would ever help her. She told me that on and off for the past 10 years she has had to leave to find some serenity and peace because when this man drinks he's abusive and then she goes back again because "He's NICE when he's sober".

Oh WOW, did I relate to that. It's the Jekyll & Hyde personality. It's what kept me in my marriage for so many years. The Nice
side of my husband was awesome, his dark side was horrific. It's also why I refuse to get into another relationship, it seems everyone I'm attracted to has some sort of addiction history. They are either in Recovery or they need to be.

Is this attraction in a person's DNA where time and time again people are drawn to the same type over and over again? I think so. In the world of online interaction every now and then I play a little game with myself if I'm the least bit interested do they have an addiction? 9 out of 10 times YES its really scary to see who I'm drawn to.

How do you break the unconscious pattern in yourself? Do you shut yourself off from the world and never have another relationship? That is the path I've chosen since I've actually married two alcoholics in my life. I am terrified of living thru another bad relationship, the emotional damage is just not worth that sort of companionship. I'm sure there aren't many people willing to live like that, for me it simply works and keeps me happy.

Am I cured of my co-dependant personality? Hardly. Why else did I come so close to being sucked in to letting my friend stay with me for I thought a month, she told my friend a few months. I actually started to have a panic attack at the thought of having to listen to her problems day after day. I found myself in just a day and a half avoiding her company. I was grateful I had to have my car serviced and was gone for several hours. Something inside snapped and I went from really supportive to actually down right wanting her out of my house. I couldn't deal with it all. It simply brought up way too many old feelings, so the answer to the question is NO I'm not cured but I'm terrified that part of me is still there. I can only imagine how stunned my friend was at my sudden change.

They say time heals all things but I'm still waiting to feel completely healed from my life as a co-dependent. I'm not sure there ever will be that time quite frankly, but I do know that as long as I listen to my reactions, I will never allow myself to fall for another addict.