I had a lengthy deposition yesterday regarding my loft floors. I purchased a loft with wood beetles, was forced to use the Developers choice of floor installers to do the replacement and supposedly fumigate the floor to rid it of the beetle infestation.
Now that seems like a very cut and dry topic, with not a lot of room for arguing. That would be a logical "Real World" opinion, but not in the legal arena, where the victims are the ones who sit in the hot seat, not the people responsible for the problems.
The attorney started out pleasant enough before we were being recorded by the court reporter and then when we began, his line of questioning was totally out of line.
He started asking me questions about my former now deceased husband. I answered the first two then he started asking about
my husbands Legal background and I'm sure he was going to delve into our pending divorce at the time of his death.
None of his questions were nice, they were condescending, and I was quite frankly appalled that my attorney's assistant filling in
for him let this line of questioning go on. I was the one who simply said I was not going to answer anymore of his questions, they had nothing to do with my situation. I was in tears 15 minutes into the day.
He said he was just doing his background questions. Really??? Anyone who's lost anyone they love and witnessed their death is
going to get emotional at having to discuss it in detail to a total stranger who is just "doing his job"
The questions asked in depositions are supposed to be answered by a simply Yes or No, but that's how they GET YOU.
Some things cannot be answered that way. If you say Yes your done, if you say No, you can be held for lying.
We have a terrible legal system.
At the end of the day, we accomplished nothing and now it's been extended. There were three other attorney's present who knew nothing about the case and everyone agreed to finish another day.
After they left my attorney told me I could never win in court because I'm Blond, look too young for my age and I own a house in Malibu. That's how the system works. If the jurors don't like you Lose, period. He then told me that today the average juror would resent the fact that I own a loft for a million $ and they wouldn't care that the developers and agents knew of an insect
infestation and sold the lofts to people anyway.
This is the American Legal Justice system. No wonder the world is falling apart, it's still a popularity contest. If they jurors like you you win, think OJ. If you're a pretty woman and you've been cheated and lied to by your husband well too bad for you.
If the good old boys club is dishonest and can pay off a unethical lawyer they win.
That's how it really works, God help the innocent.
October 07, 2011
July 28, 2011
How to Help someone who doesn't understand What they are doing to Themselves by staying in a Toxic Relationship
I spent two different weekends with an acquaintance of mine who has been living with an Alcoholic for over 10 years.
When she met him she had just lost custody of her son to her former husband who just happened to also be a well connected Lawyer. It was all so tragic, She claimed he was
sexually abusing the 4 year old and when she tried to get help through the Doctors and Agencies who supposedly help
families they in turn gave custody to the alleged "child molester" In this world there is no justice for women who complain to
well connected, men. The boy is now 21 and is still not permitted to see her. How can the legal system do that? The father had
a lifetime resrtaining order against her. For What???? Trying to protect her son from him.
It's like a sane person who gets committed to an insane asylum, the more you protest your not crazy, the more they think you
are. What a world.
She was an affluent resident in Malibu and went from that to losing he son, while trying to protect him, to a basically broke,
almost homeless woman. As I watched her life unravel I saw first hand what the inequities between the power of a Husband
and a wife can tragically become.
This is a common occurrence in families DISFUNCTION. Whether it is alcohol related or not. Obviously there was some other
kind of illness going on in their home for it all to fall apart like that. I wondered why someone who had experienced such trauma
would find herself in another situation which is almost as bad in other ways.
Do Normal people continue to go from one terrible relationship to another? I know so many people who do. What kind of help
is there for people. Therapy rarely helps, especially if you don't have the money to spend year after year sitting in some silent Doctor's office hoping that you will get relief and go broke in the process.
At least if you know there is alcohol addition or drug abuse there are 12 step programs available for no cost other than the willingness to show up. Which sounds a LOT easier than it is for many. Admitting you need help is often the last thing anyone
wants to admit.
Back to my friend, this is the second weekend she sought shelter in my house. After talking about her life these past ten years
I realized that No help I was giving her would ever help her. She told me that on and off for the past 10 years she has had to leave to find some serenity and peace because when this man drinks he's abusive and then she goes back again because "He's NICE when he's sober".
Oh WOW, did I relate to that. It's the Jekyll & Hyde personality. It's what kept me in my marriage for so many years. The Nice
side of my husband was awesome, his dark side was horrific. It's also why I refuse to get into another relationship, it seems everyone I'm attracted to has some sort of addiction history. They are either in Recovery or they need to be.
Is this attraction in a person's DNA where time and time again people are drawn to the same type over and over again? I think so. In the world of online interaction every now and then I play a little game with myself if I'm the least bit interested do they have an addiction? 9 out of 10 times YES its really scary to see who I'm drawn to.
How do you break the unconscious pattern in yourself? Do you shut yourself off from the world and never have another relationship? That is the path I've chosen since I've actually married two alcoholics in my life. I am terrified of living thru another bad relationship, the emotional damage is just not worth that sort of companionship. I'm sure there aren't many people willing to live like that, for me it simply works and keeps me happy.
Am I cured of my co-dependant personality? Hardly. Why else did I come so close to being sucked in to letting my friend stay with me for I thought a month, she told my friend a few months. I actually started to have a panic attack at the thought of having to listen to her problems day after day. I found myself in just a day and a half avoiding her company. I was grateful I had to have my car serviced and was gone for several hours. Something inside snapped and I went from really supportive to actually down right wanting her out of my house. I couldn't deal with it all. It simply brought up way too many old feelings, so the answer to the question is NO I'm not cured but I'm terrified that part of me is still there. I can only imagine how stunned my friend was at my sudden change.
They say time heals all things but I'm still waiting to feel completely healed from my life as a co-dependent. I'm not sure there ever will be that time quite frankly, but I do know that as long as I listen to my reactions, I will never allow myself to fall for another addict.
When she met him she had just lost custody of her son to her former husband who just happened to also be a well connected Lawyer. It was all so tragic, She claimed he was
sexually abusing the 4 year old and when she tried to get help through the Doctors and Agencies who supposedly help
families they in turn gave custody to the alleged "child molester" In this world there is no justice for women who complain to
well connected, men. The boy is now 21 and is still not permitted to see her. How can the legal system do that? The father had
a lifetime resrtaining order against her. For What???? Trying to protect her son from him.
It's like a sane person who gets committed to an insane asylum, the more you protest your not crazy, the more they think you
are. What a world.
She was an affluent resident in Malibu and went from that to losing he son, while trying to protect him, to a basically broke,
almost homeless woman. As I watched her life unravel I saw first hand what the inequities between the power of a Husband
and a wife can tragically become.
This is a common occurrence in families DISFUNCTION. Whether it is alcohol related or not. Obviously there was some other
kind of illness going on in their home for it all to fall apart like that. I wondered why someone who had experienced such trauma
would find herself in another situation which is almost as bad in other ways.
Do Normal people continue to go from one terrible relationship to another? I know so many people who do. What kind of help
is there for people. Therapy rarely helps, especially if you don't have the money to spend year after year sitting in some silent Doctor's office hoping that you will get relief and go broke in the process.
At least if you know there is alcohol addition or drug abuse there are 12 step programs available for no cost other than the willingness to show up. Which sounds a LOT easier than it is for many. Admitting you need help is often the last thing anyone
wants to admit.
Back to my friend, this is the second weekend she sought shelter in my house. After talking about her life these past ten years
I realized that No help I was giving her would ever help her. She told me that on and off for the past 10 years she has had to leave to find some serenity and peace because when this man drinks he's abusive and then she goes back again because "He's NICE when he's sober".
Oh WOW, did I relate to that. It's the Jekyll & Hyde personality. It's what kept me in my marriage for so many years. The Nice
side of my husband was awesome, his dark side was horrific. It's also why I refuse to get into another relationship, it seems everyone I'm attracted to has some sort of addiction history. They are either in Recovery or they need to be.
Is this attraction in a person's DNA where time and time again people are drawn to the same type over and over again? I think so. In the world of online interaction every now and then I play a little game with myself if I'm the least bit interested do they have an addiction? 9 out of 10 times YES its really scary to see who I'm drawn to.
How do you break the unconscious pattern in yourself? Do you shut yourself off from the world and never have another relationship? That is the path I've chosen since I've actually married two alcoholics in my life. I am terrified of living thru another bad relationship, the emotional damage is just not worth that sort of companionship. I'm sure there aren't many people willing to live like that, for me it simply works and keeps me happy.
Am I cured of my co-dependant personality? Hardly. Why else did I come so close to being sucked in to letting my friend stay with me for I thought a month, she told my friend a few months. I actually started to have a panic attack at the thought of having to listen to her problems day after day. I found myself in just a day and a half avoiding her company. I was grateful I had to have my car serviced and was gone for several hours. Something inside snapped and I went from really supportive to actually down right wanting her out of my house. I couldn't deal with it all. It simply brought up way too many old feelings, so the answer to the question is NO I'm not cured but I'm terrified that part of me is still there. I can only imagine how stunned my friend was at my sudden change.
They say time heals all things but I'm still waiting to feel completely healed from my life as a co-dependent. I'm not sure there ever will be that time quite frankly, but I do know that as long as I listen to my reactions, I will never allow myself to fall for another addict.
January 30, 2011
Another Year and Still I can't write my story
Well here I am at the end of January 2011 and I still can't seem to motivate myself to start writing about my story.
Maybe it's a sign that I'm too busy living to revisit my past in chronological order who knows, all I know is that I have other things on my mind. So instead of blocking myself thinking I have to pick up where I left off, I will now approach this blog as it is and leave the time line to the editing process, or I may never put another word down again.
The end of 2010 was a combination of finally moving back into my loft after leasing out the Malibu house in September and being totally busy trying to get my life back in order.
So much to do in my own life and then having to watch my son go thru his emotional ups and downs and not being able to really do anything about it.
2010 finally brought a beginning of the end of Matt's relationship, I use the word beginning because quite frankly it's not over till it's over. I'm just praying at some point they both just realize that it's never going to work and avoid hurting each other by giving into what Katie wants more than anything. A marriage. In my opinion at this point she would marry anyone and I think she will not marry for love but for the dream of being married and not having to deal with taking care of herself.
Matt said she doesn't want to be a housewife and I couldn't agree more. She doesn't have a clue what being married is all about and being a housewife is what being a married woman is ultimately in the end. If I were to decode the term housewife in her mind, it means she has no intention of cleaning, cooking, taking care of anything that women do when they marry. She wants a cleaning lady she told me once. WOW I give her more credit than they both know. He always tells me she's smart and I have to agree, she's going thru the motions of getting a degree in Grad school so she doesn't have to find a job that can keep her above the poverty line. Now that's smart. She's hoping someone will feel sorry for her. She's already manipulated a $10,000 check out of him, because they were almost like "Common Law Husband & Wife" REALLY????
He moved her out over 2 years ago and she never quite got it thru her head to actually leave permanently. Just about one year ago this coming week we had our last major fight over her lack of manners. She is the most socially inept young woman I have ever run into. If I was the only one who thought that I would say it's me, but there isn't a person I know that has ever been able to figure out what the hell Matt see's in her. I don't think I know anyone who walks around and reeks of unhappiness they way she does. In fact she was still blaming her father for all her unhappiness as of just a few months ago until she got to see her mother in a whole new light when she started speaking to her father after almost 5 years.
I told Matt he was dating his sister and his father and by that I meant, like his sister she hates her father and like his father she is only happy when she's drunk. I didn't know until a few weeks ago that some of her anti-social behavior was because she was high on weed. I really could care less except for the fact that even on weed she's miserable. So what's the point of getting high if you can't even be happy then.
Two weeks ago she crept back into his life for two days. That's how she does it. She needs something. This time she needed to use his kitchen to bake some cupcake pops. No problem if she cleaned everything up when she was finished, but NO in classic Katie fashion she left a bit of a trail. Dirty batter bowl in the sink, foil, plastic wrap, and an empty paper towel holder all there on the counter. Now to some people my reaction to this could be perceived as an over reaction, but I lost it.
It was Wednesday morning and I went over as I have been doing for the past 6 months to make Matt a shake before his workout. I had left his loft Sunday at 1:30am after helping him clean up after his friends drunken puke fest. So when I saw the little mess, I snapped because quite frankly I am not her maid or his for that matter. I will not go back to that time in my life where I needed to do things to be loved. I help Matt because I want to. The minute I feel taken advantage of, it's over.
He was shocked by my attitude and asked me to leave and took his parking pass back. I had to laugh because that's what caused the initial rift between Katie and me. Although she didn't live there she needed the parking even thou Matt had moved me into his place to sleep on his sofa when I no longer could afford to run the water or pay the utilities in Malibu. The shocking thing to me is that he doesn't see her for what she is. I believe she would like nothing more than to see us not speak to each other like she does to her father. Unfortunately for her, I'm not going any where soon.
When he told me that he's still seeing her I told him flat out he's going to have a lot of trouble because she hates me. I will always be the Elephant in the room. We both agreed it's a problem. We can never go back to a time or place where we can pretend any longer that we can even tolerate one another. I tried the offering the olive branch for his sake at Thanksgiving and she refused to come over. I bought her a gift for Xmas and until today I have not gotten any sort of acknowledgment from her to whether she liked it or not.
So there will be no happy ending for this little family. I can't wait to see how the coming year goes for them.
Matt only wants her now because she is or was seeing someone else. It's his ego. Most men are that predictable I think.
So I face the coming year with the jury trial in April and Matt being in the musicale RENT. Drama and Drama:)
Maybe it's a sign that I'm too busy living to revisit my past in chronological order who knows, all I know is that I have other things on my mind. So instead of blocking myself thinking I have to pick up where I left off, I will now approach this blog as it is and leave the time line to the editing process, or I may never put another word down again.
The end of 2010 was a combination of finally moving back into my loft after leasing out the Malibu house in September and being totally busy trying to get my life back in order.
So much to do in my own life and then having to watch my son go thru his emotional ups and downs and not being able to really do anything about it.
2010 finally brought a beginning of the end of Matt's relationship, I use the word beginning because quite frankly it's not over till it's over. I'm just praying at some point they both just realize that it's never going to work and avoid hurting each other by giving into what Katie wants more than anything. A marriage. In my opinion at this point she would marry anyone and I think she will not marry for love but for the dream of being married and not having to deal with taking care of herself.
Matt said she doesn't want to be a housewife and I couldn't agree more. She doesn't have a clue what being married is all about and being a housewife is what being a married woman is ultimately in the end. If I were to decode the term housewife in her mind, it means she has no intention of cleaning, cooking, taking care of anything that women do when they marry. She wants a cleaning lady she told me once. WOW I give her more credit than they both know. He always tells me she's smart and I have to agree, she's going thru the motions of getting a degree in Grad school so she doesn't have to find a job that can keep her above the poverty line. Now that's smart. She's hoping someone will feel sorry for her. She's already manipulated a $10,000 check out of him, because they were almost like "Common Law Husband & Wife" REALLY????
He moved her out over 2 years ago and she never quite got it thru her head to actually leave permanently. Just about one year ago this coming week we had our last major fight over her lack of manners. She is the most socially inept young woman I have ever run into. If I was the only one who thought that I would say it's me, but there isn't a person I know that has ever been able to figure out what the hell Matt see's in her. I don't think I know anyone who walks around and reeks of unhappiness they way she does. In fact she was still blaming her father for all her unhappiness as of just a few months ago until she got to see her mother in a whole new light when she started speaking to her father after almost 5 years.
I told Matt he was dating his sister and his father and by that I meant, like his sister she hates her father and like his father she is only happy when she's drunk. I didn't know until a few weeks ago that some of her anti-social behavior was because she was high on weed. I really could care less except for the fact that even on weed she's miserable. So what's the point of getting high if you can't even be happy then.
Two weeks ago she crept back into his life for two days. That's how she does it. She needs something. This time she needed to use his kitchen to bake some cupcake pops. No problem if she cleaned everything up when she was finished, but NO in classic Katie fashion she left a bit of a trail. Dirty batter bowl in the sink, foil, plastic wrap, and an empty paper towel holder all there on the counter. Now to some people my reaction to this could be perceived as an over reaction, but I lost it.
It was Wednesday morning and I went over as I have been doing for the past 6 months to make Matt a shake before his workout. I had left his loft Sunday at 1:30am after helping him clean up after his friends drunken puke fest. So when I saw the little mess, I snapped because quite frankly I am not her maid or his for that matter. I will not go back to that time in my life where I needed to do things to be loved. I help Matt because I want to. The minute I feel taken advantage of, it's over.
He was shocked by my attitude and asked me to leave and took his parking pass back. I had to laugh because that's what caused the initial rift between Katie and me. Although she didn't live there she needed the parking even thou Matt had moved me into his place to sleep on his sofa when I no longer could afford to run the water or pay the utilities in Malibu. The shocking thing to me is that he doesn't see her for what she is. I believe she would like nothing more than to see us not speak to each other like she does to her father. Unfortunately for her, I'm not going any where soon.
When he told me that he's still seeing her I told him flat out he's going to have a lot of trouble because she hates me. I will always be the Elephant in the room. We both agreed it's a problem. We can never go back to a time or place where we can pretend any longer that we can even tolerate one another. I tried the offering the olive branch for his sake at Thanksgiving and she refused to come over. I bought her a gift for Xmas and until today I have not gotten any sort of acknowledgment from her to whether she liked it or not.
So there will be no happy ending for this little family. I can't wait to see how the coming year goes for them.
Matt only wants her now because she is or was seeing someone else. It's his ego. Most men are that predictable I think.
So I face the coming year with the jury trial in April and Matt being in the musicale RENT. Drama and Drama:)
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