Off To New York

After Graduation Bob's daughter got a job as a paralegal at a very large law firm in New York.
Well, it may have been a big law firm but the salary was not big.
Once again it was time for Daddy to dig into his wallet and cover "Half".

Since it seemed like the worst part of the past year was coming to an end because of the car incident and graduation. We had high hopes that Bob and Maria's relationship would start to get better after all at least they were speaking.

What were they speaking about? First they were speaking about the cost of her moving to New York, she told her dad that her Mom would meet whatever he gave her, I can honestly say I never believed that and neither did he.
He was giving her $3,000 a month and she was earning a salary. Plus she was not living alone, she was sharing an apartment with her best friend from high school. I doubt that she was getting $6,000 a month plus a salary. She may have gotten the credit card back also, I really can't remember if she did or not.

She also needed furniture of course and I do think her Mom helped her with that.
That was always the conversations, What did Marisa need this time.
It really bothered him. She tried to make it sound like she was calling to say hi, but each phone call always ended with her wanting something from him as he would say.
"I'm just a human credit card to her."

After she hung up he would sit on the sofa in our room and smoke and think. You could actually watch him replay the conversations in his head. His lips would move and he would be deep into it. If you said anything to him it was like he couldn't even hear you that's how lost in his thoughts he was.
He was really wounded on all levels.

Our family, that is the three of us, were still struggling to regain the trust that had been lost with Bob's journey back to drinking. His moods were all over the place for over a year. I later found out that it took him over an entire year for the Valium to actually leave his body.
It has what's known as an after life and it lodges into your bone tissue. Bob was on edge, always hot, like in a drug withdrawal, which he was, and just plain tense most of the time.

As hard as it was we were trying to get back to our normal family routines.
We were pretty busy with our lives and it seemed easy to not dwell on Marisa being gone because the truth be told she hadn't wanted to participate in our lives for so many years that it wasn't an issue. She had become more like a guest, that's how seldom we saw her.

I can't remember what time of year it was but one night Marisa picked up Matt and he spent the night at her house. It was so odd. I guess Marisa wanted to hang out with him but she didn't want to stay here. I'm not sure if it was because Matt wasn't home or the fact that Bob was hurt that Marisa didn't want to stay here he was just up smoking all night.

He had developed a pretty severe insomnia problem and I just used to got to sleep and not really hear him watching TV or getting up walking around or whatever.
But this night all of a sudden the house alarm was shrieking in my ears.
Bob had set the bed on fire.
Imagine how terrified I was to wake up to smoke the alarm blaring and Bob was just too shocked to really function.
We had a fire extinguisher right by the fireplace in our room and he couldn't get it to work.

The flames were on the carpet and jumped to the frame of the bed. I hopped out of bed and threw a bottle of water on it. It woke him up from his inability to think of what to do. I just kept refilling a glass of water and so did he and we didn't have to get the fire department, thank God.

It should have been a real wake up call for him, but what it turned out to be was the beginning of Bob burning holes in every set of sheets, the sofa, leather chairs everything he sat on.
He would fall asleep and burn his fingers. It was so scary.

He was a man who was just broken really. Trying to put up a brave front for everyone including himself. I look back and the loss of his sobriety took away more from him than those years. It seemed to rob him of any sense of direction or self esteem.
His temper grew shorter and shorter. He was so conflicted and probably always wanting to pick up a drink. By this time he had logged in twelve months without a drink but the doctors were still giving him medication for his back and knees. The only thing I Think he wasn't taking was Valium.

I must say having physical problems and trying to be clean and sober didn't really seem to work. If he was in pain and didn't have anything to take it away, he was always on a dry drunk. If he had the medication and wasn't in so much pain he was closer to drinking because he wasn't drug free. It was a real roller coaster ride for all of us emotionally.

The year that Marisa went to New York she started seeing a therapist. How New York of her, it seemed that everyone in New York had one and we agreed it was a good idea too. After all that she had been through and put her dad through.
So on Matt's spring break we headed off to New York so that Bob could have a session together with Marisa and her doctor.

Talk about being apprehensive, Bob put on a good show for her but with Matt and I it was a totally different story.
From the moment we arrived at our Hotel everything started going wrong. We always got two rooms because Matt couldn't be around all the smoke with his asthma and of course we couldn't expect Bob to not chain smoke, it pretty much was his only vice these days and he really needed to smoke that weekend.

When we checked in they told us that they did not have the adjoining rooms that we requested. Bob made such a big scene in the lobby that they ended up giving up a one bedroom suite with the most amazing view of the Chrysler building
Of course Bob had to sleep in the living room on a bed they brought up for him so that he could smoke near the window.
The three of us had a nice first night together alone without Marisa and she joined us the next day. She brought over a birthday cake she made for Matt which was so sweet and we all seemed really happy to be together.
The next day several friends of Matt's and their families joined us at the best ice=cream parlour in the world "Serendipity". After that the three of us went to the Sony store and we just window shopped most of the day and of course did manage to get Matt some very cool Birthday gifts.
The day was getting closer for Bob and his daughter to see her doctor. I can't really remember what came first the session or the new Rolex watch he bought her. That was his way. He wanted to get her something special for her graduation, but she had wanted furniture instead, so he got her the watch in New York so she could pick it out. She had really become hard to surprise with presents because unless she liked it she would take it back or give it back.

The only thing that I will never forget is what happened when Bob got back to the hotel after their appointment.
He told me that even her doctor asked her when she was going to forgive him. After all, he did not divorce her, he divorced her Mother. Her answer was always the same, that's not fair.
She had no intention of ever forgiving him for anything. Even things he didn't do to her.
He explained to me that there are some cases where a person can't seem to bear to look at the two parents equally. One is always right and one is always wrong. It was tragic, but it was right on the money. Everything he did seemed to bother her. Whether she was aware of it or not. She treated him like she was the parent. Always criticizing him for something. The way he held his fork, the way he chewed his dinner, they way that he loved to spot famous people etc. It just went on and on.
He was so flawed in her mind. I wonder how she got that judgemental? Especially because everyone always praised her. We had nothing but kind things to say to her about her always. But she couldn't seem to return the sentiment.

One of the things I struggle with always is how I could have been stronger and maybe a better "parent" to her. I felt constrained to me role and I didn't cross that line. Imagine twenty years of just "Watching" a child change right before your eyes and not really be able to do anything about it.
Now it's way too late.

The first time I had had enough of just letting her get away with really bad behaviour was over the phone.
She called us up and wanted to know if we would cover the cost of a gym in New York she wanted to join. As usual the answer was of course Marisa, your dad will pay for it. First of all, he wanted her to go to the gym of her choice. She had always struggled with her weight and the fact that she was working out was great.

Well I got the shock of my life when I spoke to her next. She called me back and said and I quote. "I talked to my Mom, and she said it's ridiculous". I told her that she had called us and asked for the money and she said. "Well, it was a test and he failed"

I went crazy inside and for the first time in twenty years I yelled and swore at her.
I told her "If you don't love him, then leave him the fuck alone." I think I hung up on her. It was very traumatic for me I don't really know how she took it because she had become so cold and calculating towards him. But she couldn't fool me. I knew she hated him from the moment she wanted to leave him in Paris. I could only pretend to let it go for so long. She was out of line and there wasn't anyone who was doing anything about it.

I had had it. I was sick and tired of having his spoiled ungrateful daughter ruining our lives. Everytime she pulled something like this on him it came back to haunt me and Matt. It would put him into such a frame of mind that all he would want to do now was drink.

I would never look at her the same way ever again. I didn't fight with her, but I knew who she was and that is not a good place to be in when you are trying to keep peace in a family already in trouble.

I told her father. I would no longer cover up for her and be a part of her duplicity. I would no longer be a part of the problem. There were bigger issues that I was dealing with. I had chosen my alligeince and it was to him not her. She just wanted his money, I wanted him to get well and live.